My goals

Can a single thought change my life?
A simple idea, which will require work, yet a simple idea.
I do not have the skills or knowledge...yet.
I do not have the "perfect" space...yet.
I don't have it "all" figured out...yet.
I don't have the money to finance what I want to do...yet.

I have an idea.
A literal vision.

I have the desire to do this.
I think I can do it (working on believing)

I have questions, doubts, worries, fears...
...but I also have support, knowledge, resources.

My word for 2015 is Action.

My goal for 2015 is to take photographs of women working in male dominated fields.
I want to show women in their multiple sides they have.
My goal is to write a book proposal and publish a coffee table book with my photography.

This is real and scary stuff. 

                                                           www.ayeartoinspire.blogspot.com

I think this might be my motto for 2015.

Early bed time

Last night I felt like I couldn't think any more.
I asked my husband to deal with the kiddos and I went to bed.

This morning I woke up at 7:30 a.m. with the rest of the clan, and as soon as my husband took my daughter to school, my little guy and I went to bed until almost 10:00 a.m.
I was tired.
I literally felt like my brain couldn't think anymore last night.
Between too many episodes of Game of Thrones, staying up too late, thinking about the holidays, next year, next week, I think I just exhausted myself. 

I stayed away from the internet today until just now.
I could not take another stimulation, another idea. 
As great as the internet is in connecting people and showing what can be done with this and that, I think I want to see what my brain can come up with all on it's own. 

I think for me comparison is the root of all evil, and copying another is just plain wrong. 
I think looking for inspiration is great, but I think taking the time to re-write or re-see it in our own mind is key to sanity.

Do you ever feel like you need a break from the masses of the internet?
Do you ever feel like you can't think of anything on your own because your brain is clouded with ideas from others?  Please share. 

In over my head

I am in over my head.
Goals, goals, goals.
Dreams, dreams, dreams.
Plans, plans, plans.

I am feeling a shift from dreaming to doing.
I am feeling a shift from I can't to I'll give it my best shot.

I was working on Unraveling The Year Ahead 2015 workbook (find it at www.susannahconway.com) and I came to realize that 2014 was a good year.
As much as I wanted to make it bad and miserable (I don't know why, I think the last couple weeks have been rough) 2014 has been good.

One of the prompts is what stands out the most from 2014?
Here is what I wrote:

No one moment stands out the most, what stands out is that this has been a good year, despite of what I'd like to think and say.  It has been a good year because I think it has shown me where it is I want to go, and as much as I think how easy something can be, I need to do the work within, I need to get myself to where I want to go emotionally.  Being raw, and crazy, and crying all the time is not easy, but it feels cleansing and opening.  2014 has been a good year."

I think I can even say it's been a GREAT year. 
My word for 2014 was SOLID and I hate that word right now, however, my family has been SOLID in helping me, and sticking by me.  My friends have been SOLID in embracing my ideas, and holding me while I fall apart.  My brother has been SOLID in lifting me up when I opened up to him.  Maybe SOLID wasn't about me, it was about all the folks around me.

As I feel the blessings around me, and as I fight tears almost every day because something or someone touches me (worse than when I was pregnant) I am learning, and feeling love.  I am allowing.  I am accepting. 

Where are you in your heart/mind/sprit as 2014 draws to a close?  Do you feel you get a clean slate with the New Year, or will you gently continue into it?  Please share, I am curious. 

my mess

this is my mess

(and a cute kid)

 

this mess bothers me, but not for the obvious reasons.

 

this mess bothers me because it's a reminder of all unfinished projects.

it's a reminder of un-started projects.

it's a reminder of my hopes of being an artist...

...yet not being a doer...

...just a dreamer...

 

the hubs says it's good to have extra art supplies on hand.

true enough.

but most of these supplies have not been re-filled, they've just been added to.

 

my mess reminds me of unfilled hopes and dreams

a bit dramatic?

maybe, yet it makes me sad,

it makes my heart ache

No good title

I find myself at the cross roads of crazy and manageable daily.

I'm not "crazy enough" to get a doctor's note excusing me from work all week,

but inside I feel like I need to be put away.

I know some people get offended by the word "crazy," but when my mind is spinning endlessly, and there is not relief in sight, that is how I feel.

that is how I choose to describe my mind.

 

I'm sure many people don't like changes in their life.

I don't like changes either,

unless of course it's a 32 inch waist waiting for me in the morning.

what I really don't like is the anticipation for change.

because it could come, or things could stay the same.

and then if they stay the same, there is a relief, and a sadness.

a mourning almost of what could have been.

 

my word for this year is SOLID, you know, like a rock.

I've been told so many times, by many different people

"I never worry about you, you're solid"

if only they knew the chaos inside.

 

there is a season of change happening at my work.

and if I'm really honest, this will be the state for the next 5 years, as things will change every year, until we establish a routine at the new space, with the new people, with a new boss.

this anticipation of change is making me very uneasy.

I myself have decided to look elsewhere, you know for a cushy 9 to 5 job, with weekends and holidays off.

I know half of America is quitting those jobs, for more freedom, fulfillment, adventure.

but I've never had a 9 to 5.

I've never had weekends and holidays off,

and a 9 to 5 seems like just the thing that can propel me a little further into my dreams.

whatever it is your soul is seeing...go ahead and do that thing.

There is nothing wrong

There is nothing wrong with me.  Or you, I'm sure.

I texted my health coach today and told her I was ready to quit. 
I then proceeded to tell her why and all my irrational thoughts and beliefs.
I say irrational, because if I know it makes no sense, or it's an excuse, it's not valid, and it is irrational.
I think there is no such thing as a valid excuse when it comes to my health.
I don't validate my excuses, not anymore at least, but I still use them (just wanted to make that clear)

My health coach did what she does best, and talked to me, and talked me out of quitting.
You know, I've been with her for 5 months, and I have yet to lose weight, but at this point, she's my cheerleader to just keep me going, without completely quitting.

She had me make a list of reasons I wanted to be healthy, then a list of cons for being healthy.
Here it is:

My reasons for wanting to lose weight:

- to feel better physically, I want all the aches and pains to go away, I want to be able to run, to exercise, to not be out of breath when I take the stairs

- to look better
- to not have people look at me and ask me if I’m pregnant
- to not have people ask me if I want to lose weight
- to not have more sad days because of my weight
- to have more energy
- to look better in clothes, to not dread shopping
- to feel more confident and more comfortable in my body
-to be able to sit on the couch and put my arms around my knees, and not have my stomach get in the way
- to not have to adjust my clothes all the time for fear that my stomach is showing
- to not be the biggest person in my family
- to not shy away from my dreams because I think only good looking and slim people are able to succeed in certain careers, like party planning, or coaching
- to not have to make excuses for why I look the way I do, why I eat the way I do, why I dress the way I do

 The cons for losing weight would be all the stuff above.  I think the biggest con would be that I would not hate myself so much or at all.  I have done so much work with my mental health and well being, I have dug deep into so many issues, and although I don’t believe there is such a thing as life balance, that’s the only way I can explain it.  I want my insides to match my outsides, because I do think that I’m a good and smart person, yet because of the way I look, I don’t allow that to come through, and I don’t allow those positive feelings to come to the surface.  I wish society was more understanding and approving of bigger girls, yet at the same time, it’s me that is not accepting and approving of myself.  There were times my husband told me he didn’t care what size I was, he just wanted me to take care of myself and dress nice, because clothes do come in different sizes.  I admire bigger girls who are comfortable in their skin, and although they are overweight, they still take pride in their appearance.

 

That's my list.

That is what I sent her.  (I can never make things short)

I think after writing things out, then having some time to let it all sink in, I realized

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.  (OR YOU)

My goals, fears, excuses, body, are all a part of me.

I am not saying I don't want things to change.

I am not saying this will get easy overnight.

It's just an Ah-a moment type of thing, and as I go on my journey, it's a first step towards better and fuller acceptance.

 

Go ahead.

Make your list.  Read it. Re-read it.  What is it telling you?

Share :)

Pop Off The Page

Pop Off The Page

 

it's quite literal really, the meaning of this blog.

I know I am not alone when I say I can spend hours reading blogs, and pinning things.

comparison is the devil, it truly is.

it's made me feel insecure, not good enough, not talented.

then one day I read somewhere (Tiffany Han) that we all have a story.

our story doesn't have to be elaborate, or all that exciting.

it doesn't have to be filled with pain, and loss.

it can be filled with anything: good-bad-indifferent.

once we accept our story, whether we chose to share it or not,

our story can be such a wonderful guide for the rest of our life.

 

my story is not tragically dramatic.

my story has it's lows and highs,

pleasant and unpleasant events have happened,

people have come and gone and left an impression.

my story is not over.

at 33 years old, I'm actually just starting.

I feel this is only the beginning simply because I am just now discovering new dreams, and new opportunities, and as an adult, I get to choose what will become part of my story.

 

I choose to live a full life.

I choose to take what I like, and see if it will fit with my life.

I am cautious.

I know I'm not truly in control.

my path has already been laid out, I'm just on a journey to find all the right twists and turns.

 

it wasn't until I turned 30, that I began thinking, and dreaming of living a more creative life.

I am seeing where this takes me.

I still have a 9 to 5, although I don't work those hours at all

I want to explore what is possible out there,

therefore once I see something, read something, dream up something, I want to pursue it by getting off the internet, getting my head out of the books, and magazines, and getting my butt in gear and doing the ground work.

trust me when I tell you that fear has a strong hold on me.

sometimes the smallest projects give me great anxiety, and I know that in order to follow my dreams, I need to put myself out there, I need to do the work without waiting for the perfect moment.

 

in this space I want to share my trials and tribulations of dreaming up a new dream in my 30's, and seeing what can become of it. 

I want to Pop Off The Page, and put in some real life experience. 

then I want to get back here and document it. 

 

that is all.

I hope anyone out there in a similar situation joins me on this journey.

I hope I can encourage and inspire somebody who is scared to search out for a new goal.

I do not know if anything will come of my dreams, and ideas, but unless I try, actually really try, I know then nothing will come of it.  

let me do it the right way

I just hate it when I leave this place alone for too long.
I know better than to do that.
there are days when I think in journal or blog posts.
there are days I am filled with so much motivation, yet talk myself out, or hide from what I think I could achieve. 
the hubby and I had a date night yesterday, and it was just so nice to talk to him without interruptions.

it did help that this was our view.

we talked about important stuff: money to be exact.
and he knows what my dreams are, and he knows what keeps me from reaching those goals.
he also knows that I am in my own way most days.
there is nothing in my life that can hold me accountable.
believe it: I have a health coach, a counselor, and a doctor I see quite frequently
my little entourage is not keeping me accountable.
they try.
I'm a hard/tough cookie to break.

I can hold myself accountable, but that has been something I've been slacking in.
I feel that with our new financial plan, I'm going to be able to go back to basics.
I think I will be able to not only be challenged, but I will impress myself.
accountability is huge.
so as we're going on a financial adventure, I will keep accountable and motivated.
fear has no more room in my life.
as we're moving forward in life and trying a new adventure, I want to be all in.

by this Thursday, I will be back with a post about what Pop Off The Page is all about for me, and what I hope it is for any readers out there.

being present, loving now

what does my cat and my children have in common?
probably not much, yet so many things.
if you look at my Instagram feed, I took a couple pictures of Pika
she seems to have aged.
earlier this summer she was underweight, now she is overweight
earlier this year, as she peed all over our laundry room and never in her litter box, my husband and I were discussing our options
she stopped peeing outside her box for a long time
lately she's been spending all the nights with LJ, and my husband is always missing her, sometimes going and getting her, only to have her run back to LJ's bed.
his bed is low off the ground
he's a little guy
I don't think he moves much at night
today I watched her "hop" onto a very low chair, and I can see that her back legs are not working as well as they used to
she spends A LOT of time sleeping
she never does a victory lap after pooping anymore
I took a bunch of pictures of her because I was reminded that her time with us could be short
I took pictures of her because I want to remember her
she was a gift from my husband to me, when I was battling really bad depression, and him and I were living hours apart
it's sad to admit, but I remember I love her when I see something "wrong" with her

how does this tie into my children?

motherhood (parenthood) is so tricky
I told my friend last night at dinner while the kids were giving each other pony rides, "I love it when they get along."
the statement struck me as awkward, because I love them all the times, and of course they are cuter when they're behaving
when they are misbehaving, their cuteness is their only saving grace sometimes
earlier today I was thinking about being more present when I spend time with them
no more checking e-mail, no more distractions like the TV
if they want to watch a show, I will watch that show with them
my schedule is crazy: two months on day shift, two months on swing/night shift
my days off rotate every four weeks, and sometimes I get six days off in a row, and sometimes I have to work eight days in a row before I get a day off
on the swing/night shift I am on right now, the kids don't get to see much of me
they see a zombie, a woman who wants to be awake with them, yet doesn't want to hear the noise, or the requests, or the crying
that is not fair
I will be more present with my children, whether they're behaving or not
and I will not be perfect at this, but I will try very hard
I remember I love them all the time, but I don't want to love them the most only when they get along

vision page

my only goal for today was to make a vision page
a page of what i want to feel like when i lose weight
i can very clearly imagine the feelings i want
i don't have the supermodel body i'm striving for picked out just yet...
...just kidding...i struggle with body image, but for some reason i already know what i'll feel like

this is not the final draft, but this will go on my wall, because i need to see it every day

then i found this bit by Michael Jordan and i say "damn you," because i do quit, and i know now that i quit out of habit, and this quote has been hunting me for days now, because he is right, and because quitting has become part of my story

i also stumbled upon this gem: the pain is real, and the hurt is real, and like i was telling my husband today, i am tired of the hurt and the pain, and i do not longer wish to live this way. unfortunately for me anger is an emotion that lives on the surface way too often, due to said hurt and pain, but i know now that i can turn it into a reward. i am going to make my anger turn my hurt and pain into a reward, by not quitting.  ever.

 

 

what inspires you? what images or quotes live in your head for days before you let them out?

hmm

things that make me go hmm:

- skipping my meds
- my dinner being the largest meal of the day
- pushing away good things
- pushing away good people
- not following through
- snapping - at good people

sometimes this self-discovery/growth thing is a major pain in the ass

eyes closed

i almost always close my eyes
i almost always tip my head back

i was at work, and after using the potty i was putting my belt back on
i have two belts: one simple one that's for my pants, and a second one that is a duty belt:
hand cuff holder, radio holder, gun holster, ammo holster, flashlight
in order for the duty belt to fit over the first belt, the first belt has to be just right.

for months now i've been cinching my belts, because my waist doesn't want to get smaller
for months now i've been struggling in the locker room to get dressed
for months now i've been closing my eyes and tilting my head back so i don't have to face myself

i don't just avoid my eyes at work, i do it everywhere
when i'm in a public restroom, i gaze in awe at women checking themselves out, fixing their makeup
daring to see themselves right where they are
it's not size or race dependent, confident women do it,
women who are finding themselves,
women who are building confidence,
brave women.

i have done many exercises to help me with looking at myself in the mirror.
it has always felt awkward, i always feel like i'm seeing a stranger.
it's never really bothered me, until now
looks like a need challenge and a new chapter in my life is coming

on giving up

I do it too much,
too quickly,
too suddenly,
too often.

it is my escape,
my excuse,
the way I live.

I remember high school and college,
I remember looking for a job,
I remember accomplishing my goals.

I remember my first baby, and post partum depression
I remember the terrible feeling of being unnecessary.
I remember wanting to run away.
I remember feeling worthless.

it has been almost 5 years since my first baby,
she teaches me so much, as all babies do.
she holds me accountable for what I say and do.
she's made me apologize to her, bended on my knees, tears streaming down my face,
because I promised myself and her, I would never be like her.
a different her.

I have given up on myself some time ago,
I don't give up on anyone else.

it's not working anymore,
the giving up is not working any more.
it haunts me,
and taunts me,
and slays me inside.
I'm exposed for everyone to see.

enough

“Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.” —Epicurus

it wasn't so long ago that I was filling our house with stuff.
things I've seen on TV, in magazines, on other blogs.
I'd spend my days off going from store to store, looking for my happiness.
bag after bag into my trunk.

my happiness still sits in those bags:
unpacked, out of the way, taking up space in my mind.
I knew I was going through something, I knew I was filling a void.

see, I'm a thinker, an idea girl.
I see things, I re-imagine things, I want things.

what I don't want to do is deal with my sh*t.
I don't want to sit and think about my depression.
I don't want to deal with my food issues.
I tell myself that if I fill my days with busyness, I will be fine.
my problems will disappear, my issues won't weigh me down so much.
I will be a perfect example of someone living with depression and kicking ass.

but that's not true.
it only works for a minute.
it only works for as long as the high of the purchase "fills the void",
and then I have more issues,
because now I have many BIG bags of stuff that seemed great in the store, but I really don't have room for it.

I fill up physical space, to lessen the mental space
it doesn't work
it creates more work

know your enough in physical possessions
know your enough in matters of heart
know your enough, because we truly don't need stuff to define who we are

journey

there are days,
and moments in those days,
where I wish I could take my words back.

my apology is coming,
not just yet,
I want to feel righteous for just a second longer.

life is but a discovery of ourselves.
finding something we lost back there.

I read a quote today that made me think real hard
"You must master a new way to think before you can master a new way to be."

that is my struggle
I am mastering a new way of thinking,
but when I slip and stumble, the old way of being comes right up

this journey into myself feels like such a long one

Thoughts

I have known this before, but I fought it in my mind for years.

It is possible to like/love/be passionate about two or more things at once.
Ones career doesn't have to match their hobby.
Ones hobby doesn't have to match their chosen career.
Just because I work in law enforcement, doesn't mean my hobby has to be shooting guns, hunting, fast cars, etc.  This applies to both genders.
My chosen career is not artistic, there is no freedom, there is a lot of structure.
When I am not at work, those are all the things I crave.
It's OK for me to be a corrections officer, and also an artist.

This long known knowledge is filling me with freedom.

List

There are too many things to name, so I'm making a list I saw on www.karenika.com

Making:  this list
Cooking:  not much. I will make dinner tomorrow for sure, just have to decide what I want
Drinking:  lemonade, ALL SUMMER LONG!
Reading:  The Paleo Kitchen by Juli Bauer & George Bryant, and The Champion's Mind by Jim Afremow
Wanting:  a clear head
Looking:  tired and out of shape
Playing:   Candy Crush
Deciding:  do I stay or do I go?
Wishing:  for a different, better life (feeling ungrateful and guilty)
Enjoying:  quiet
Waiting: ??????
Liking:  blooming flowers
Wondering:  is life really THIS difficult, or do I just make it so?
Loving:  my family, who loves me though this
Pondering:  should I stay or should I go?
Watching:  Tyrant looks like a good, new show
Hoping:  for clarity
Marveling:  how beautiful quiet is
Needing:  motivation, encouragement
Smelling:  flowers
Wearing:  yoga pants and tank top
Following:  the thoughts in my head that tell me multi-tasking is not always a good thing
Noticing:  my grumpiness
Knowing:  life sucks (sorry for the negativity, just had to get it out)
Thinking:  I have a lot of things to do tomorrow
Feeling:   out of sorts
Admiring:  strong people
Sorting:  bills
Buying:  maybe a FitBit, not sure, still thinking about it
Getting:  anxious
Bookmarking:  nothing
Disliking:  my struggle
Opening:   hopefully my heart
Giggling:  at the things my kids say
Feeling:   a bit relieved after making this list

How about you? How are you?

I started two blog posts that never got finished, just saved as drafts:

1."these memories wanted to be seen & FELT by the ME i have become. the ME who has been working so hard to heal & open her heart. the ME who sees and FEELS so very differently than the me of a few years ago." https://erica-herbert.squarespace.com


2.The anti-depressants are my insulin.
That's how a counselor sold me on meds.
That's how a counselor convinced me that my life was in danger.
She painted the clearest of pictures.
I could not ignore her analogy.

Whether you take anti-depressants or not, is a very personal decision.

here is where I am today
hit with a panic attack at work
I feel too much
I have a low tolerance for bullsh*t
I cannot be fake
I cannot be an open book
I want to sit quietly in the comforts of my home, outside in my yard, surrounded by the little people I am trying to raise
I don't get to see these little people much
I don't find comfort in "enjoy every second you have with them on your days off"
I don't see them but for a few minutes in the morning before they get hauled off to daycare, so that I can sleep from the night before

I don't have breathing room/space for 10 hours of my day
I'm not hanging out with my favorite people
I fight negativity from sucking me in
I feel like I need to be on mute to make it through the day

today I didn't do mute
today I spit venom until a friend stopped me
today I broke down in tears, wanting to scream and groan to let all this internal sh*t out
today I wanted to feel alive and not numb and not mad
today I took two anxiety pills because my thoughts and breaking were racing
today I came home to a safe place, with safe people, with safe walls
today I just hit a wall

but tomorrow i'll wake up again, put on my running shoes, and do my darnest to jog more than walk
tomorrow I will go to a re-store and see if I can find a table for my sweet girl, and round table she requested after she saw one in a magazine
I want to pull out all the furniture I would like to paint
I'd like to get my hands dirty and my mind quiet
tomorrow I might just stay home, because home is where I am safe

Pushing

The way depression works, is that I have to work really hard to do mundane things.
I'll be looking out the window, wanting to go outside, but finding a million excuses inside why I won't go out:
- I have to put on clothes
- I might have to say Hi to someone
- I'll look like a fool planting flowers
- People will look at me and judge me
- My kids will want me to run around, and I don't have the energy

Just like one foot in front of the other, for me it's one positive thought after another.  It's one affirmation after another, it's one good choice that will hopefully lead to more for the day.

Depression would like me to stay hidden, to stay inside, to stay unmotivated. 
I have learned over the years to push myself through to enjoy my days.
It's not always a success, but the more I succeed, the less I have to fight myself the next day.

My kids of course push and push for me to be "normal." 
They don't know this, they just want their mom out and about with them.
They just want me to participate in life, because that's what people do, and kids need.

I drank my coffee outside today.
I'm going to plant those flowers up front.
Today I will breathe the cool air, and allow my body to feel it, and remember it, to know that tomorrow it'll be easier to do it all over again.

Cracked

I am starting to feel it slowly.
An opening of sorts.
I feel more accepting, and almost brave.

Couple weeks ago I came upon a website.
http://christieinge.com/
I've been working through her True Hunger program at my own pace.
I am finding answers within me that I didn't know were there.

For months now I've been following a beautiful blog.
http://www.karenika.com/
This woman has art, wisdom, honesty.
I want to connect with her, I want her to be my friend.

It's no secret that I read a lot of blogs, books, articles, whatnot.
I am on a quest to find inner peace. 
I am on a quest to find love.
I am on a quest to find belonging.
I am on a quest to feel free and safe.
It has taken me years to narrow down what I am searching for.
I was in a state of "anything will work as long as I can feel better and happier." 
Of course there is nothing wrong with that, yet for me having concrete feelings and needs has truly freed me already in a sense.  I feel like I have something concrete to touch, to feel.  I know what love, belonging, safety, and freedom look like to me, I know how they will feel for me.  I know what to strive for, instead of going in blind.

One of the clearest things that has come to me is that I cannot wait to receive love I wanted when I was a child.  That is not happening.  There is no going back.  I just turned 33 at the beginning of this week, so going back to 10, 13, etc. is simply not an option.

Another clearing is that I cannot wait for a childhood love from a certain person.  I'm talking family, not boys :) I cannot make that person go back in time and love me back then.  What I can do is accept the love they're giving me now, today, at the age of 33.  The love they're giving my children, the love I don't remember I got, but if my children can benefit from that in extra doses of love for them, who am I to get in the way?  Good for them.  They are my children, and they will always know they are loved.

I like clarity.

Turning 33

I will turn 33 on Monday.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know if I need to feel any one way.
I think I keep thinking about it, because I feel like with 33 comes some wisdom.
I know I long for wisdom.
I am feeling some changes happening, and I think because they're happening around my birthday, it makes me connect the two.

I am embracing that my new year can start with my birthday, not just the New Year in January.
I think seeing it like that is different, better, not so cliché, as most of us will have different start dates.

Either tomorrow or on my actual birthday, all I want to do is plant flowers.
I'm being called to get dirt on my hands, and to surround myself in beauty.

Random

I read A LOT.

Books, magazines, the internet, small articles.

I write when the mood strikes.  Mostly in my personal journal.

I want to DO more.  As I enjoy some quiet mornings and mid-afternoons in the coming weeks, I have promised myself that I will read on those days, try to DO something, and on the days the kids and my husband are home, I will definitely DO.  I'm in an 8-week stretch of my job where I come home in the middle of the night, and only see the kids for about 20 minutes in the morning.  On weekends, I know I'll get to sleep in, but still having to go to work, I want to spend every second of every hour focused on them.

A friend and I were texting the other day, and I texted:

ME: I think I'm trying to go through multiple lifetimes in one shot :)
FRIEND: Hehe you're soul searching
ME: That's for sure.  I know I'm helping people at my current job and I know I make a difference in it by how I conduct myself, but I feel like I could give more to people that might actually take my advice.  I've always been artistic so I want to see what I can actually get good at.
FRIEND: Good! That sounds healthy and wonderful

I think the second text I sent her was the nicest thing I've ever said about myself, and actually acknowledged my strengths.  I love my current job.  I think that the more I try to pull away from it, the more I'm shown how much I rock at it. 

I still feel I need more.  I still feel I can give more. 

Here is where this post comes around.  With all this wanting and needing, and reading, and writing, it would be helpful for my soul to start doing. 

In order to get some motivation and a reminder of what I want to do, I changed a space on a shelf above the computer to reflect what I am leaning towards these days.

Before - a bunch of books, which have all been read and re-read, but were now just taking up space.

After - paint brushes, markers, box of trinkets, and a box of cards to draw/paint on.

Positive thoughts are better

When I was younger, a teenager to be exact, I used to read Chicken Soup For The Soul books like they were going out of style.  Each book had a better story than the last one.  Each book made my heart swell with good feelings, and positive thoughts. 

I think I had close to 30 of these books.
They were the air I breathed, and the life I wanted.
Even if the stories were sad, I knew they ended well. 
I especially loved it when I could relate to the stories. 
The stories in these books allowed me to day dream all day long.

When I first started feeling blue (depressed) I would get angry at these stories.
The deeper my depression went, the angrier I got.
I remember packing up all of my books, and taking them to a book store, trying to sell them or trade them in for store credit.  The store owner said the books had no value, and he wouldn't even take them because they were hard to re-sell, they were a gimmick.  I agreed with him wholeheartedly, and I was still upset he wouldn't take these books off my hands.

I don't remember what I did with the books. 
They were either donated to the Goodwill or thrown away (I do hope they were donated)

The stories in the books angered me because they were not my stories after all. 
My stories didn't seem to have a happy ending.
My stories didn't make my life better, more positive, more exciting.
I didn't gain any friends after reading the friendship book.
Positive thinking was not for me.
In my teenage angst, I declared positive thinking bullsh*t, and never did it again.
Not for a long time.

Here I am today.
I am learning positive self-talk.
I am learning self-care.
I am learning not to quit.
I am learning that a Pinterest board can be helpful, but I do have urges to delete my Inspirational Quotes one, because sometimes I call bullsh*t on it too.

I have learned that I have to call bullsh*t on my negative talk.
It doesn't just affect me anymore. It never has. I just never knew it.

*I want to clarify that that books themselves are great, and I'm sure one day I will find the courage to read them again.
**I apologize for the overuse of the word bullsh*t, but it was the only one that fit.

Love me

First there was Bruno Mars, with Just The Way You Are

"I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me

When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)."

I remember lying on my couch, listening to this song, crying my eyes out, thinking "if only he (my husband) felt about me this way.  As soon as I got into my counselors office, I told her about this song, and my thoughts, and also how I wished my parents loved me that way when I was younger.

Today I really listened the lyrics of John Legends All Of Me

"'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections"

Again I wished these specific lyrics applied to my relationships.

And then it came to me.
If I want my people: husband and parents, to love me in this way, then shouldn't I demand it from myself to?  Should I not show the world that this is the kind of love I deserve?

The obvious answer is YES YES YES.
The reality is, this will be hard, but now I know when I hear these songs, I can sing these lyrics to myself, for myself, just me.  I too want to love all my "perfect imperfections"

Pop Off The Page

These days I distinctly remember when as a young girl I thought 30 was so old.
These days I distinctly feel that 30 has not been good on my body.
I hope by 35 I'll feel better about this time in my life.
I know I'm in the thick of it right now, with two small children, a full time job, house payments, car payments, big vacation plans, surgeries, chasing new, not quite developed goals. 

My work days are too long.
My body has been hurting for days.
New aches almost every day.
I can barely eat anything, as I have developed some serious food intolerances, and I fight bloat all the time.  It's uncomfortable, and frustrating.

The house is such a mess, I don't know where to begin, and so I don't begin many times.

Today I will concentrate on drinking a lot of water, being present despite the headache, and taking just one small step/action as time permits.

I have thought a lot about this space, and what Pop Off The Page is about.
I want more time literally Off The Page: less computer, TV, phone; more outside, face to face time, projects, art, adventures.  Things and people that bring joy and excitement.  Have that joy and excitement inside of me, radiating it to my friends and family.

Music reads

Music...I totally love it.
(Who remembers TRL on MTV?)
I have been so thirsty for reading lately.
I read constantly, and with two small children, that really means 10 minutes here and there.  Magazines, books, the Internet.  I read and read.  It fills my soul with information, my mind with knowledge.
I want to better take care of myself, and I also want to better care of others.  That includes my own family and friends, as well as total strangers that might happen upon this blog. 

As I've mentioned before, I mostly write when inspiration strikes, which sometimes is not often.
I keep a hand written journal for things I need to figure out on my own, and trust me, SO many things, but it's OK, life is an adventure, and I think the more we get to experience, the more we try to acknowledge and take part in, the more we feel, see, believe.

I am very tempted to make a promise that I will blog here all day, every day.
I am tempted to set myself a schedule for this blog.
I am tempted to announce an e-course I've been wanting to run.

I am tempted by faith and believing that all these things can happen and be real.

The real though is that I will try my best.  I will do what I can.  Whether that is once a week, once a month, I don't know.  I am sure that the more the better (fingers crossed content will grow as I do) 
All I know is that I am looking for a tribe, I am looking for a place to blossom, I am looking to be place of soft landings for whoever needs it.

March...you have been so good.
You have gone by too fast. 
I want a do over.
I want April to be just as great.
I want May to be even better.

I will leave you with this:

"Do your job better than it has ever been done before" Pete Carroll

Inspired to write here

This has been a quiet space lately, and that's just how things go.
I know that writing more will make me better at writing, however when it comes to this blog, I usually only post when I feel called to it.

The last couple weeks have been spent in happiness, some sickness, and lots of adjustment.
My job promotion has me seeing things from a different perspective.
I'm doing lots of new things, and to be honest, I think I'm kind of a Rock Star at it.
Time will tell, and I'll remain humble, just had to share it somewhere.

As always I've been craving lots of quiet time, however I am learning to do pleasurable things, such as reading, writing, drawing, by including the kids.  I love to read, and as much as I'd prefer to read the books I want, reading to them tops it every time.

I've been a little obsessed with color pens, almost buying a set for $180.00
My husband must have been near by, because my common sense kicked in and I only spend $20.00
I'm glad I did because better pens, would not have made me a better artist.  I'm not advanced enough in this new skill.

I'm hoping to do some more clearing out from the cottage.
Apparently O played in the cottage with her friend today for about five hours. 
My husband laughed and said he was their personal assistant, bringing them food and drinks, checking in on them.  I'm glad they had fun, but I will tell you and them, that is MAMA'S spot.  I'm willing to share...I think.

No more pretending

"A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself, and only herself." Maya Angelou   I'm not there yet, but I'm no longer pretending. I have a reputation for speaking my mind. I have a reputation for being tough. Those are all a part of me, however there is more. That anchor on my neck is to ground me. It's to help me keep my feet on the ground. It stops me from pushing when that's the last thing I want/need.

Deal with the real problem

I'm becoming a firm believer that one should deal with what the actual problem is.

I have depression.

I'm dealing with my depression.

I'm not dealing with my body being overweight right now. That will come.

I'm not worrying about my house being clean right now.  That will come.

I'm not dealing with crafting, selling, keeping up.  That will come in some form or another later on in my life.

I am dealing with my depression and coping the best way I know how.

I have come such a long way, and I don't know how much I have to go.

If things remained the way they are right now, mood wise, I will be OK with that.

If maintaining my depression with medication is where I need to be at, I'm OK with that.

Avoiding my problem, filling it with something else, not staring truth in the face is not acknowledging the problem, or tending to it. 

(I don't think I like the word fix it when it comes to our bodies and minds)

By slowing down, and bearing my soul to myself just a couple days ago, I feel so much pressure has lifted, so much clarity has been shown to me, so much space for me to breath into my life.

 

 The book I'm currently reading by M.D. David D. Burns.  It's changing my mind for the better

My favorite reading nook.  My kitty decided to jump in as soon as she saw my phone on my hand.

Delete and off

I had to turn it OFF.
The notification e-mails were too much.
I thought I was following my gut when I signed up for the e-course, but I was not.  I am on a different path now.

I had to hit DELETE a couple times.
I believe in the world of blogs, the less the merrier.

I believe in listening to my gut and to my soul.

Authentic

I am figuring out how to be authentic.
That really is all at the moment.
Have a good night everyone.

Corner

Do you have a corner in your house/apartment that is just for you?
Do you have a space that just thinking about it makes you relax?

I have tried having such nooks and crannies, and corners, and spaces, but they always end up filled with toys, dirt, too much stuff, not enough attention from me.  I think that's why I like going to coffee shops.  Find a comfy chair, kick up my feet, and relax, knowing no one will come along to sit on my lap, or spill my coffee, or hit me in the face with a toy.

Have you seen Google's "question" today: if I could invent one thing to make the world a better place...

My first thought was AHA, those sneaky rich people want to steal our ideas. I'm not falling for that.

Then it got me thinking: what would I invent to make the world a better place? 
Hopefully I'll have an answer to that tomorrow, or some time soonish, because who knows, it might be a really BIG idea.

I have been looking for some clarity lately, and I got some while journaling.
I have been having trouble sleeping lately, staying up too late.
I have been impatient with the kids too much.
I have been taking myself too seriously.

It's time for me to breathe.

Random rules the way. Go Hawks

Dear computer and Google,
Please remember my password.
Also please remember to remind me to click that little box that remembers it for me.
Thank you.
Izzy

My little man turned two yesterday.
All week long I've been posting on FB that I had him last year.
I'm pretty sure this mama wants to slow down the time.
He is my snuggle bug, my baby, my boy, my happiness.
I feel beyond blessed to be his mama.

(Now for real mama talk: about two weeks ago, the "terrible" of the two's started popping out.  A tantrum here, a tantrum there, sleepless nights.  I was pulling my hair out.  He has calmed down since...whew)

The Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl.
I woke up unable to talk this morning.
Our first Super Bowl win.
Our any sort of win in 30 years.
The players on the team seem to be "saints." 
They show up on the field, win a game, go visit a hospital. 
Perfection.
Humble.
Good to be from Seattle these days.

I want to be humble around my children.
I want their light to shine.

I've been busy visioning, studying, painting.
I'm bummed out this place has been so quiet, yet I still need inspiration to blog. Not one of those daily bloggers just yet.

Thanks for peeking in.

Authentic parents

I am very aware of my short comings as a parent.  
Sometimes too much so, and when it comes to parenting, the harder I try, the more "mistakes" I seem to make.
I don't have a parenting blue print.  
My BIGGEST goal with my children is that they know they are loved. 
Meeting their basic needs, entertainment, education, it's all at the top too.

"But on the other hand, being an authentic parent is an attainable goal.  Authentic parents are aware of their own emotional wounds, and are on the journey of emotional and spiritual healing.  They aren’t constantly looking over their shoulder to see how they or their children stack up, but they live in a constant state of awareness of the individual needs of their kids."
www.DrBarbaraSorrels.com

I want to be an authentic parent, and after reading this paragraph,  especially the underlined part, I can say with confidence that I am, and that makes my heart feel good.  I want so much for my children, and at their young ages of 4 and 2, I know that it's what I do that stays with them.

You can find the rest of this interview on one of my favorite blogs:
www.ashleyannphotography.com

I don't know what it is lately, but I've been thinking about parenting, and love, and attention so much lately.  This isn't unusual for me, or any parent, but I feel some sort of shift happening.  I do know it's for the better.  

The first week of January

The first week of January has been good, and then the flu happened!!
Not great! I'm sure I'm at zero sick time at work now :( 
I have to figure out how to get my immune system up.
Any and every cold the kids bring home, I get...yuck!

Anyways, I've been keeping a little busy with visioning, and art.
Here are a few pages I've created/painted

Hello new friend

                              2014

You are here.
I tried hard not to get my hopes up, cause really, nothing is different today, however there is an energy in the air, there is an energy inside of me, there is a hope inside of me, there is faith inside of me...things that were not there yesterday. Mere 24 hours ago, I did not feel so hopeful and excited about my possibilities.  

And today, today I didn't even do all that good.
I had about five pieces of fudge, one giant cookie, McDonald's for dinner, and no exercise.  Yet I'm not calling myself a loser, I don't think I'll wake up ten pounds heavier, and I know I can start over tomorrow.  I can actually start over right now, which I'm doing with a tall glass of water.  

I have hope.
All the reading, and learning, and journaling I did in 2013 is finally showing it's effects on me.  I think my brain has actually been rewiring this whole time, and it's today I realized that new knowledge and information is sticking to my soul.

I don't know what you'll bring.
Here is what I'm hoping for, and here is what I will work on:
- traveling: out of state, and out of the country 
- getting healthy: I will finally take that aerobics class (I rocked in high school), I will finally check out that yoga class I've been admiring from afar, I will have a couple great friends joining me on my new eating adventures - built in support
- getting the cottage set up as my studio - it's happening, my mind and heart are ready
- I want to listen to more hip-hop, I know, random, but my soul has a beat inside, and that's how I roll

2014, I think we'll be friends.