Cracked

I am starting to feel it slowly.
An opening of sorts.
I feel more accepting, and almost brave.

Couple weeks ago I came upon a website.
http://christieinge.com/
I've been working through her True Hunger program at my own pace.
I am finding answers within me that I didn't know were there.

For months now I've been following a beautiful blog.
http://www.karenika.com/
This woman has art, wisdom, honesty.
I want to connect with her, I want her to be my friend.

It's no secret that I read a lot of blogs, books, articles, whatnot.
I am on a quest to find inner peace. 
I am on a quest to find love.
I am on a quest to find belonging.
I am on a quest to feel free and safe.
It has taken me years to narrow down what I am searching for.
I was in a state of "anything will work as long as I can feel better and happier." 
Of course there is nothing wrong with that, yet for me having concrete feelings and needs has truly freed me already in a sense.  I feel like I have something concrete to touch, to feel.  I know what love, belonging, safety, and freedom look like to me, I know how they will feel for me.  I know what to strive for, instead of going in blind.

One of the clearest things that has come to me is that I cannot wait to receive love I wanted when I was a child.  That is not happening.  There is no going back.  I just turned 33 at the beginning of this week, so going back to 10, 13, etc. is simply not an option.

Another clearing is that I cannot wait for a childhood love from a certain person.  I'm talking family, not boys :) I cannot make that person go back in time and love me back then.  What I can do is accept the love they're giving me now, today, at the age of 33.  The love they're giving my children, the love I don't remember I got, but if my children can benefit from that in extra doses of love for them, who am I to get in the way?  Good for them.  They are my children, and they will always know they are loved.

I like clarity.