Pushing

The way depression works, is that I have to work really hard to do mundane things.
I'll be looking out the window, wanting to go outside, but finding a million excuses inside why I won't go out:
- I have to put on clothes
- I might have to say Hi to someone
- I'll look like a fool planting flowers
- People will look at me and judge me
- My kids will want me to run around, and I don't have the energy

Just like one foot in front of the other, for me it's one positive thought after another.  It's one affirmation after another, it's one good choice that will hopefully lead to more for the day.

Depression would like me to stay hidden, to stay inside, to stay unmotivated. 
I have learned over the years to push myself through to enjoy my days.
It's not always a success, but the more I succeed, the less I have to fight myself the next day.

My kids of course push and push for me to be "normal." 
They don't know this, they just want their mom out and about with them.
They just want me to participate in life, because that's what people do, and kids need.

I drank my coffee outside today.
I'm going to plant those flowers up front.
Today I will breathe the cool air, and allow my body to feel it, and remember it, to know that tomorrow it'll be easier to do it all over again.