Monday, September 29, 2014

No good title

I find myself at the cross roads of crazy and manageable daily.
I'm not "crazy enough" to get a doctor's note excusing me from work all week,
but inside I feel like I need to be put away.
I know some people get offended by the word "crazy," but when my mind is spinning endlessly, and there is not relief in sight, that is how I feel.
that is how I choose to describe my mind.
I'm sure many people don't like changes in their life.
I don't like changes either,
unless of course it's a 32 inch waist waiting for me in the morning.
what I really don't like is the anticipation for change.
because it could come, or things could stay the same.
and then if they stay the same, there is a relief, and a sadness.
a mourning almost of what could have been.
my word for this year is SOLID, you know, like a rock.
I've been told so many times, by many different people
"I never worry about you, you're solid"
if only they knew the chaos inside.
there is a season of change happening at my work.
and if I'm really honest, this will be the state for the next 5 years, as things will change every year, until we establish a routine at the new space, with the new people, with a new boss.
this anticipation of change is making me very uneasy.
I myself have decided to look elsewhere, you know for a cushy 9 to 5 job, with weekends and holidays off.
I know half of America is quitting those jobs, for more freedom, fulfillment, adventure.
but I've never had a 9 to 5.
I've never had weekends and holidays off,
and a 9 to 5 seems like just the thing that can propel me a little further into my dreams.
whatever it is your soul is seeing...go ahead and do that thing.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

There is nothing wrong

There is nothing wrong with me.  Or you, I'm sure.

I texted my health coach today and told her I was ready to quit. 
I then proceeded to tell her why and all my irrational thoughts and beliefs.
I say irrational, because if I know it makes no sense, or it's an excuse, it's not valid, and it is irrational.
I think there is no such thing as a valid excuse when it comes to my health.
I don't validate my excuses, not anymore at least, but I still use them (just wanted to make that clear)

My health coach did what she does best, and talked to me, and talked me out of quitting.
You know, I've been with her for 5 months, and I have yet to lose weight, but at this point, she's my cheerleader to just keep me going, without completely quitting.

She had me make a list of reasons I wanted to be healthy, then a list of cons for being healthy.
Here it is:
My reasons for wanting to lose weight:

- to feel better physically, I want all the aches and pains to go away, I want to be able to run, to exercise, to not be out of breath when I take the stairs
- to look better
- to not have people look at me and ask me if I’m pregnant
- to not have people ask me if I want to lose weight
- to not have more sad days because of my weight
- to have more energy
- to look better in clothes, to not dread shopping
- to feel more confident and more comfortable in my body
-to be able to sit on the couch and put my arms around my knees, and not have my stomach get in the way
- to not have to adjust my clothes all the time for fear that my stomach is showing
- to not be the biggest person in my family
- to not shy away from my dreams because I think only good looking and slim people are able to succeed in certain careers, like party planning, or coaching
- to not have to make excuses for why I look the way I do, why I eat the way I do, why I dress the way I do

 The cons for losing weight would be all the stuff above.  I think the biggest con would be that I would not hate myself so much or at all.  I have done so much work with my mental health and well being, I have dug deep into so many issues, and although I don’t believe there is such a thing as life balance, that’s the only way I can explain it.  I want my insides to match my outsides, because I do think that I’m a good and smart person, yet because of the way I look, I don’t allow that to come through, and I don’t allow those positive feelings to come to the surface.  I wish society was more understanding and approving of bigger girls, yet at the same time, it’s me that is not accepting and approving of myself.  There were times my husband told me he didn’t care what size I was, he just wanted me to take care of myself and dress nice, because clothes do come in different sizes.  I admire bigger girls who are comfortable in their skin, and although they are overweight, they still take pride in their appearance.
That's my list.
That is what I sent her.  (I can never make things short)
I think after writing things out, then having some time to let it all sink in, I realized
My goals, fears, excuses, body, are all a part of me.
I am not saying I don't want things to change.
I am not saying this will get easy overnight.
It's just an Ah-a moment type of thing, and as I go on my journey, it's a first step towards better and fuller acceptance.
Go ahead.
Make your list.  Read it. Re-read it.  What is it telling you?
Share :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Pop Off The Page

Pop Off The Page
it's quite literal really, the meaning of this blog.
I know I am not alone when I say I can spend hours reading blogs, and pinning things.
comparison is the devil, it truly is.
it's made me feel insecure, not good enough, not talented.
then one day I read somewhere (Tiffany Han) that we all have a story.
our story doesn't have to be elaborate, or all that exciting.
it doesn't have to be filled with pain, and loss.
it can be filled with anything: good-bad-indifferent.
once we accept our story, whether we chose to share it or not,
our story can be such a wonderful guide for the rest of our life.
my story is not tragically dramatic.
my story has it's lows and highs,
pleasant and unpleasant events have happened,
people have come and gone and left an impression.
my story is not over.
at 33 years old, I'm actually just starting.
I feel this is only the beginning simply because I am just now discovering new dreams, and new opportunities, and as an adult, I get to choose what will become part of my story.
I choose to live a full life.
I choose to take what I like, and see if it will fit with my life.
I am cautious.
I know I'm not truly in control.
my path has already been laid out, I'm just on a journey to find all the right twists and turns.
it wasn't until I turned 30, that I began thinking, and dreaming of living a more creative life.
I am seeing where this takes me.
I still have a 9 to 5, although I don't work those hours at all
I want to explore what is possible out there,
therefore once I see something, read something, dream up something, I want to pursue it by getting off the internet, getting my head out of the books, and magazines, and getting my butt in gear and doing the ground work.
trust me when I tell you that fear has a strong hold on me.
sometimes the smallest projects give me great anxiety, and I know that in order to follow my dreams, I need to put myself out there, I need to do the work without waiting for the perfect moment.
in this space I want to share my trials and tribulations of dreaming up a new dream in my 30's, and seeing what can become of it. 
I want to Pop Off The Page, and put in some real life experience. 
then I want to get back here and document it. 
that is all.
I hope anyone out there in a similar situation joins me on this journey.
I hope I can encourage and inspire somebody who is scared to search out for a new goal.
I do not know if anything will come of my dreams, and ideas, but unless I try, actually really try, I know then nothing will come of it.  

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

let me do it the right way

I just hate it when I leave this place alone for too long.
I know better than to do that.
there are days when I think in journal or blog posts.
there are days I am filled with so much motivation, yet talk myself out, or hide from what I think I could achieve. 
the hubby and I had a date night yesterday, and it was just so nice to talk to him without interruptions.

it did help that this was our view.

we talked about important stuff: money to be exact.
and he knows what my dreams are, and he knows what keeps me from reaching those goals.
he also knows that I am in my own way most days.
there is nothing in my life that can hold me accountable.
believe it: I have a health coach, a counselor, and a doctor I see quite frequently
my little entourage is not keeping me accountable.
they try.
I'm a hard/tough cookie to break.

I can hold myself accountable, but that has been something I've been slacking in.
I feel that with our new financial plan, I'm going to be able to go back to basics.
I think I will be able to not only be challenged, but I will impress myself.
accountability is huge.
so as we're going on a financial adventure, I will keep accountable and motivated.
fear has no more room in my life.
as we're moving forward in life and trying a new adventure, I want to be all in.

by this Thursday, I will be back with a post about what Pop Off The Page is all about for me, and what I hope it is for any readers out there.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

being present, loving now

what does my cat and my children have in common?
probably not much, yet so many things.
if you look at my Instagram feed, I took a couple pictures of Pika
she seems to have aged.
earlier this summer she was underweight, now she is overweight
earlier this year, as she peed all over our laundry room and never in her litter box, my husband and I were discussing our options
she stopped peeing outside her box for a long time
lately she's been spending all the nights with LJ, and my husband is always missing her, sometimes going and getting her, only to have her run back to LJ's bed.
his bed is low off the ground
he's a little guy
I don't think he moves much at night
today I watched her "hop" onto a very low chair, and I can see that her back legs are not working as well as they used to
she spends A LOT of time sleeping
she never does a victory lap after pooping anymore
I took a bunch of pictures of her because I was reminded that her time with us could be short
I took pictures of her because I want to remember her
she was a gift from my husband to me, when I was battling really bad depression, and him and I were living hours apart
it's sad to admit, but I remember I love her when I see something "wrong" with her

how does this tie into my children?

motherhood (parenthood) is so tricky
I told my friend last night at dinner while the kids were giving each other pony rides, "I love it when they get along."
the statement struck me as awkward, because I love them all the times, and of course they are cuter when they're behaving
when they are misbehaving, their cuteness is their only saving grace sometimes
earlier today I was thinking about being more present when I spend time with them
no more checking e-mail, no more distractions like the TV
if they want to watch a show, I will watch that show with them
my schedule is crazy: two months on day shift, two months on swing/night shift
my days off rotate every four weeks, and sometimes I get six days off in a row, and sometimes I have to work eight days in a row before I get a day off
on the swing/night shift I am on right now, the kids don't get to see much of me
they see a zombie, a woman who wants to be awake with them, yet doesn't want to hear the noise, or the requests, or the crying
that is not fair
I will be more present with my children, whether they're behaving or not
and I will not be perfect at this, but I will try very hard
I remember I love them all the time, but I don't want to love them the most only when they get along
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