Friday, April 24, 2015

Write it first

What if I wrote my success story first? 
I know exactly how I want to feel, how I want to look.
I know exactly the advice I want to give people, which part of my story I want to share. 
If I write my success story first, I will capture the emotions that are driving my current dreams. 
It's hard to look back sometimes, and remember the goal, or remember the driving force behind our actions. 

As I was brushing my teeth last night, thinking about my success letter, I also started to write a goodbye letter to my current co-workers.
I know in my mind and heart I am so ready to leave what is no longer serving me, as well as something I am no longer passionate about. 

So here I am, writing my future, or more like writing to my future.
I want to remember these thoughts that I have now, because I know I will waver, and I know there will be obstacles, and I feel that capturing all these emotions and all my drive will continue to push me forward.

Could you write your success story today?

Sunday, April 19, 2015


For every decision I've made today.
For every ill word I spoke today.
For every scream.
For every yell.
For every temper tantrum.
For every bad thought. 
For every curse word.
For every doubt.
For every minute I ignored my kids.

These days seem to be so tough lately.  The more present I try to be, the more absent I actually am.  I could blame it all on my work, but I know it's my choices, and my decisions, and my reactions.  I am fully responsible for all of it, because all of it come from me. 

There are parts of me that I like so much.  There are parts of me that I want to share with others.  There are parts of me that FEEL so deeply that I can succeed in a new adventure.  I just feel that if I have to stop and reset every single thing, every single human error, it will take me ages. 

Yet I don't think there is another way.  I don't think without resetting things will get any better, and it also allows for me to STOP, and breathe, and THINK.  I feel so much, it's thinking I need to do more of. 

Have you reset today?

Friday, April 17, 2015


I wish that bad decisions came with a lightning.
I wish I had a compass that would literally put up a wall when I was going in the wrong direction.
I wish guilt didn't exist.
I wish doubt didn't exist.
Very rarely I wish my happiness wasn't on my shoulders.
I wish control wasn't a thing.
I wish depression wasn't a thing.
I wish money wasn't a thing.
I wish time wasn't of the essence.
I wish life wasn't a contradiction.
I wish I wasn't attracted to things I'm attracted to.  It makes me feel less than...because I also wish that patience wasn't a virtue.

As I go about my days, sometimes in a daze, I wish that my days were clearer, and my mind was sharper, and I was more sure and convincing, and dedicated, and free. 

I am learning slowly, so slowly, that the more I work on something, the closer I get to it, however sometimes that slow movement is not enough, and it leaves too much time for doubt, and questions, and re-thinking. 

I often times wish that I didn't wish for this life that I want.  And I know that is not right, and that it's all just negative thoughts.  I know I don't actually wish this and mean this.  I just wish I could be clearer, in my mind, heart, and soul.

Life is but an adventure...I need to learn some better skills. 

Friday, April 10, 2015

Seven days

Seven days.
That has proven time and again is my attention span to new things: diets, cleanses, art.
But this is day 10, and although I have sipped coffee and devoured a bagel, my brain, heart, body are telling me: you know better than that. 
I know that for me, little indiscretions add up.
I know a candy here and a bite here become a bag of candy and a whole cake.
I feel like standing on the street corner and giving people advice.
I feel like shouting "I KNOW IT ALL, THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO."
I feel like helping others is better than taking my own advice.
I believe with my whole heart that we teach what we ourselves need/lack.

I feel like letting my soul explode and say FUCK IT ALL. 
I feel like living a carefree life, yet still be able to pay my bills.
I feel like taking a day off and not having to tell a soul if I spend it all in bed.

I feel that I am rebelling against all that I was taught.
I feel that maybe my mouth will get my in a lot of trouble.
I feel like picking a fight, even if my heart is in my throat, chocking the words out.

This might be my rebel year.
This might be my coming out, my middle finger, my liberation.
I love days like these.
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