Wednesday, February 3, 2016


I have been cold lately.  Like in the bones kind of cold.  This morning, after sleeping for 10 hours, I crawled back into my bed, and let the blankets warm me up.  It was such a great feeling.

Most of my coldness is physical, as I walk around in a tank top, in the middle of winter.  Any breeze from the outside makes it that much worse.  I have also refused to buy a coat for the last two years, because I don't like my large frame, and I don't want to have to buy a 2X coat.  Not cool with me.

Then there is part of my coldness that in internal.  I think the part that chills me the most.  In the last two weeks, my core beliefs have been challenged at work, and I no longer feel like I can fight.  I think a lot about giving up and what that will look like to other people.  I think a lot about signs and callings.  I think a lot about my heart, my soul, my body.  I think a lot about what it would be like to take a stand, to show myself that I will not stand for less than I deserve, but taking that stand looks like stepping down, and might look like giving up to some.  I don't really care about "the some," I just know questions will be asked, and right now my answers are filled with anger and venom.  I don't want to impose that on other people.  I don't want them to feel my anger or to even know it in all it's depth.

My body and heart are asking to be warm, and I long for a blanket that can cover them and make them feel it.  Yet I know putting a blanket on my heart is only a temporary fix.
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