Who am I?

I have the pens, and the paints, and the books and the journals.
I have the dreams, and ideas, and moments of readiness.
I have what it takes to get things done,
BUT,
I am faced with a fear, with an unknown, with an undefined idea, an empty longing.

I know who I am as a person, but I don't know what my label is.
A label in a good way, a definition, an introduction, a knowledge.
I don't know who I am in terms of my dreams.
A writer, a painter, a mixed media artist, a coach?
I am a seeker and a dreamer, yet I cannot find that one thing that will spark my passion.

I've been letting go of comparison, but I'm obsessed with looking at inspiration.
I have been so lazy, and unmotivated on my days off, that it pains me to be in my skin.
Procrastination continues to be my best friend, yet time is ticking...tic-tok tic-toc...up comes my 20th work anniversary (although it won't be for another 10 years)

Tomorrow, but really today, as it's 1:24 AM, will be a media free day.
I will do the laundry, I will clean the house, I will play with the kids, I will go for a run.
I will do the daily chores, because those things have to get done, and those things might form other good habits.
I have half the mind to go to the cottage and rip up the blue carpet, to see what is underneath.
I keep thinking (telling myself) that once I have the "dream" floor, I will start taking pictures, but I know in my heart, I don't need a "dream" floor to start my idea. 
Ever since I've declared out loud (in my journal and to the hubby) what it is I want to try, I have yet to step inside the cottage. 
I avoid it like the plague.
This happens quite a bit...I declare things, and as soon as they are off my mind, I stop thinking about it. 

I don't want to be that person.
I really don't.

the package

"Awareness is the first step in being able to assess what's not working for you.  Once you are aware, then you have information that you can use to decide what you might do (or think) differently moving forward." Lisa Sonora

How I love smart women.  Lisa Sonora is just such a woman, and I've been doing her 30 Days Journal Prompt writing since the beginning of January, and little snippets like the quote above get my brain going. 

A thought after being aware of what is not working.

Some musicians, young and old, have said that in earlier years, all one had to do was sing well, and the record company would "make a star" out of them.  These days, not only do you need to sing well (sometimes) but you also have to look like a million bucks.  You have to come in off the street as a brand, as a package, as a SUPER STAR.

I feel like that's also how I look at established blogs and writers.  I feel like I need to come out with a beautiful, clean internet space right out of the gate.  I need to be an "expert" without having any real expertise.  I need to have the look, the sound, the following...with just one post.

A bit unrealistic?  I'd say so. 

The other day I listened to a podcast and a snippet that caught my attention was something along the lines of "being a boss is looking flawless...ten years later." 

I no longer feel the pressure to be THE BEST BLOG.
I also don't feel the need to learn coding, professional photography, cooking, perfect child raising, on and on and on. 
I do me...what I know, what I want, and what I hope will work.

One thing I know for sure.
Comparison does NOT work when trying to be me.

notes

breath...
breathing really is important

tears...
tears literally cleanse
and leave a red face

"oh what the heck"...
is a good attitude to have
freeing

"this will work"...
also a good attitude to have
I have to fake it, but it will work

writing
purging, not stopping until a path is clear
there are days I feel like all I've done is write
and there is nothing wrong with that
I keep my journals for as long as I have to

I feel so open lately,
I feel so I don't give a f$&k lately
and then I hide in the corner until it's clear

what has 2015 felt like to you so far?

You can see

What I struggle with is so easy to see.
One look at me and a complete stranger can tell what my problem is.
Weight...or excess of it is not easy to hide.
Whoever said "jewelry always fits" is a liar.
I received a beautiful necklace from my husband and kids this Christmas, something the kids are so proud of that they picked out.  It doesn't fit.  The first attempt to put it on resulted in the clasp breaking, small beads spilling around me.  My husband was able to fix it, but one look into his eyes and I saw the sadness he tries to hide so much. 

Although you can see what I struggle with, you can't tell how I struggle with it. 
Unless we talk...my sarcasm and sense of humor clue you in as to what I'm trying to divert attention from. 

There is no hiding my struggle.
There is no magic to make it go away.
There are not enough affirmations in this world that'll make me feel beautiful with the way I am right now.

My New Year resolution is not to lose weight.
That's my life resolution...been working on it for some time.

My word for 2015 is Active, and a major part of that is physical activity. 

What has brought me here tonight is one too many pizza slices.  My inability to walk away.  It's mindless eating like this that beings me to my knees, and makes me ask WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why do I not listen to myself?  Why don't I do what I know is healthy?

I will make better choices tomorrow because I want to, because I want to wear that necklace that my kids picked out for me, because I want to see the smile on their faces when they tell me how they picked it out, and how they kept it a secret.

I will wear that necklace.