Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Word of the year and other stuff

My assignment for this week from my writing coach is to make a blog post.
Yes, I have a writing coach because I want to write, photograph, and publish a photo book.
Judging by my commitment to this blog, and inability to stay consistent, I am not doing all that well.
I even stopped writing in my journal.

I am trying to find my voice.
I am trying to find defenses against people (readers) who might not get my writing voice.
I have a self-deprecating sense of humor, I don't follow any trends, I've never been cool, and I have an opinion that's not always the best one.
I have a problem presenting myself as an expert when I am not one.
Many bloggers either present themselves as experts or get assigned that label, and it's not true, and it puts a lot of pressure on people.
I am a person who likes to change her mind, but I don't think people would be OK with that.
I am a person who admires positive thinking, and positive intentions, but I also like to say that they don't always work, and that thinking positive is one thing, but getting sh*t done is another.

For some reason I am worried about what people will think and being misunderstood, and I know I will not have the time to answer comments that might be negative.
I know there is a way to monitor comments, yet I have a full time job that I am trying to leave, so I don't have time for all that comment moderation.

As with every new year, and every new beginning, my intentions are to be organized and prepared.
I can't promise myself or anyone else that those intentions will be fulfilled.  What I can promise (sort of) is that I will write down my ideas, and then I will write blog posts about them.  I will write as me, and if someone finds it offensive, I will explain or clarify, but if they still have a problem with it, both of us ill need to move on and move forward.

My word for 2016 is freedom.  
There are some invisible chains that I wear and worries that are not mine, and I need to free my mind, spirit and soul from them.
There are obligations that I never asked for and fulfilling them will break me, and some of them I'll allow to break me, the rest I need freedom from.

I will do the best I can, but I will also keep looking at this quote my friend sent me, because she knows me well

"You either try or you don't.  If you try, you can talk about it.  If you don't try, stay silent."

Here is to me and this blog not staying quite for too long, and for me finding and creating my freedom in 2016.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Writing prompts

A question I'm pondering is this: is it easier to be disappointed in people, or in ourselves?  What hurts more: being let down by others, or letting ourselves down?  Accountability: I hired a writing coach to hold me accountable towards my goal.  It's working...a little bit...because I am starting to dislike being disappointed in myself, and I am tired of making excuses for myself, yet there is this comfort, this knowing that I am stuck with myself forever, and sometimes that allows me to be more graceful with myself than if I had to extend that grace to others.

I recently got a journal which comes with 300 writing prompts.  I have been slacking in my journaling, even the one for me, so I figured that in order to get my butt going in the right direction, I would journal on these prompts daily.  The first prompt is hard already, but the only way to do something is to actually do it.  I will be going back and forth between here and my real journal.

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."  Albert Einstein

Describe the best mistake you've ever made and all the positive things you learned from that mistake.

Ready. Set. Journal.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Brain stuff

My mind has been occupied with so many things, BIG things, little things, important things, first world problem things.

Sometimes I feel like there is too much going on in my head, which causes anxiety, which causes long pauses, and breathing, and gentle reminders to be patient. 

I have started working with a writing coach for a book idea.  She says it sounds great, she says there is a market and need for what I want to do, and that is just sweet music to my ears.  I actually wrote her an e-mail today telling her how wonderful it feels to be working on an idea.

I have started a Master's program in counseling.  I think three classes is too much to take on, but it's too late to drop now, so until next semester, I'll just keep reading and writing over and over again, until every assignment is turned in.

I have been binge watching the I Am Cait show on E! and I am just blown away by EVERYTHING.  I don't think I can explain what I am feeling, thinking, understanding.  One of the most powerful things I took from an episode was what an ally really was.  Just saying "I accept you," doesn't mean you're an ally.  Asking "what do you need from me?" and then doing it.  An example given was "what do you need from me?" the answer "I need you to help me get through this crowd unharmed, be my bodyguard," and then doing it, that's an ally.  I never knew this.

My friends best friend is fighting for her son's life.  I think and pray for them every night.  Little AJ is a fighter.  His mama and dad and sister are incredible people.  Thinking positive thoughts for this family.

Sleep...something I need. 

Saturday, August 1, 2015


The more I live,
the more I see,
the more I go through,
the more insight I get into my inner workings.

Couple nights ago I got an insight into a negative part.
For all intents and purposes, I am selfish.

I provide for my family,
I help out my friends,
I lend a helping hand, dollar, support.

Yet deep inside, there is a selfish part, it's ugly, and it needs to be changed.

The best way to explain it is this:
you and a co-worker are vying for a promotion, and you don't get it, and as you stand there clapping in the audience, smiling, saying all the right things, deep inside you are not hurt because you got passed over, you are jealous. 

Another example:
a loved one shares some serious health news, and as sad as you are, your thoughts go to that clock in their living room that you're always wanted, and for a split second you forget they are possibly dying, and you start scheming how you could get that clock left to you in their will.

This could be all of us, this could be just me, and as ugly as this truth is, once uncovered, I knew immediately I needed to change my ways. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Do it

I'm talking real sh*t here:
 - buying that shampoo and conditioner
 - throwing away empty cans of shaving cream
 - restocking on my favorite drinks
 - restocking on snacks
 - brushing teeth every single day
 - picking up that piece of paper that's been there for hours
 - going through the mail
 - paying the late bills

Self-care is all this and more.

Saturday, July 25, 2015


I decided to give the middle finger to the world, and to life, and to myself last night, and I got Taco Bell for dinner, and washed it down with some white wine.

I did the same thing today...minus the wine...all out.

I gave myself two hours, which turned into three, after I got home from work, to just eat, watch trashy TV, and I ended up falling asleep.

I'm finally doing laundry, took all the trash and recycle out, and it's feeling less and less suffocating inside.

I have been having a lot of dialogue with people in my life, as well as myself, and it's all about happiness, and about figuring out my feelings, their feelings, our place in the world. 

A work friends said to me the other day "you've already made a decision, you know what you want."

I do.

Monday, June 15, 2015

When your heart is bigger than your bank account

...and my heart is huge.
My ideas come from my heart.
My mind does the logistics, but the heart pumps it up (literally).

I can see it clear as day:
- candles in the right places
- music
- craft and/or journaling supplies
- a sign leading to the cottage
- talking/doodling/writing
- fliers hanging in coffee shops, inviting people to come over

This is my idea of a small heaven.

Then the dreams get bigger and bolder.
Maybe a bigger house, and maybe more space, maybe more cottages...
...running a business that could fuel my soul.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Wake up your butterflies

It seems so simple.
I applied for a new job, and all the weight of the world got lifted off my shoulders.
I only applied.  I didn't get a new job.  After thinking about it I turned down an interview.  That job and money is not for me. 
I applied because I could.
I applied to show myself that I am not stuck in my current position.
I applied because I am the one making choices, not someone else.
I applied to let it be known that I am moving on, even if it's in a small way.
My friend called me after work yesterday, and she said "it's so good seeing you smile again." I told her I didn't know what it was, why I felt so happy, and she said "you feel free."
That's exactly how I feel.
Ever since I filled out an application, I am paying more attention at my current job, I am more involved, I am more present.
This might be normal behavior, but I know this freedom I'm feeling is because I am not stuck any more.
I see my goals.
I can feel them inside.
I can feel my body reacting with butterflies in my stomach. 
I think because I have worked hard for the last 10 years, I'm not delusional about things being easy, coming easy, going according to plan.  I am aware that I'll have to work harder, longer, smarter, yet all of that is what makes this so exciting.
I am excited about my future.

What is one small step you could take today to wake up your butterflies?


Sunday, May 31, 2015

Self-care ideas

I have a whole post ready about self-care, but because it's Sunday and I do have to work in the evening, here are just a couple quick things that make me think of self-care:

-brushing teeth
-getting dressed in the morning
-playing with pretty paper
-following your dreams with knees shaking
-reading a favorite magazine
-watching a favorite TV show in peace
-asking for time alone
-making time for friends, sometimes inside the chaos
-yard work
-trying something new
-not worrying about anyone else's opinion - we are all just people

These are just a couple things.  I will have more soon.
Happy Sunday

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Small steps

Where do you go when you have nothing to say?
Where do you go when you have a lot to say but it doesn't want to come out right?
I keep reading that in order to write, one has to write, even if nothing comes out.
I've been wanting to do a challenge of writing every day for 30 days, but that's not my style.
I have been thinking A LOT lately about excuses, and taking small steps toward goals. 
Each day I do just one thing off of my to do list for small steps, I feel like a rock star.
Each day I get a little further into my daydreams, I feel lighter and more motivated at the same time.
We all start somewhere.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Write it first

What if I wrote my success story first? 
I know exactly how I want to feel, how I want to look.
I know exactly the advice I want to give people, which part of my story I want to share. 
If I write my success story first, I will capture the emotions that are driving my current dreams. 
It's hard to look back sometimes, and remember the goal, or remember the driving force behind our actions. 

As I was brushing my teeth last night, thinking about my success letter, I also started to write a goodbye letter to my current co-workers.
I know in my mind and heart I am so ready to leave what is no longer serving me, as well as something I am no longer passionate about. 

So here I am, writing my future, or more like writing to my future.
I want to remember these thoughts that I have now, because I know I will waver, and I know there will be obstacles, and I feel that capturing all these emotions and all my drive will continue to push me forward.

Could you write your success story today?

Sunday, April 19, 2015


For every decision I've made today.
For every ill word I spoke today.
For every scream.
For every yell.
For every temper tantrum.
For every bad thought. 
For every curse word.
For every doubt.
For every minute I ignored my kids.

These days seem to be so tough lately.  The more present I try to be, the more absent I actually am.  I could blame it all on my work, but I know it's my choices, and my decisions, and my reactions.  I am fully responsible for all of it, because all of it come from me. 

There are parts of me that I like so much.  There are parts of me that I want to share with others.  There are parts of me that FEEL so deeply that I can succeed in a new adventure.  I just feel that if I have to stop and reset every single thing, every single human error, it will take me ages. 

Yet I don't think there is another way.  I don't think without resetting things will get any better, and it also allows for me to STOP, and breathe, and THINK.  I feel so much, it's thinking I need to do more of. 

Have you reset today?

Friday, April 17, 2015


I wish that bad decisions came with a lightning.
I wish I had a compass that would literally put up a wall when I was going in the wrong direction.
I wish guilt didn't exist.
I wish doubt didn't exist.
Very rarely I wish my happiness wasn't on my shoulders.
I wish control wasn't a thing.
I wish depression wasn't a thing.
I wish money wasn't a thing.
I wish time wasn't of the essence.
I wish life wasn't a contradiction.
I wish I wasn't attracted to things I'm attracted to.  It makes me feel less than...because I also wish that patience wasn't a virtue.

As I go about my days, sometimes in a daze, I wish that my days were clearer, and my mind was sharper, and I was more sure and convincing, and dedicated, and free. 

I am learning slowly, so slowly, that the more I work on something, the closer I get to it, however sometimes that slow movement is not enough, and it leaves too much time for doubt, and questions, and re-thinking. 

I often times wish that I didn't wish for this life that I want.  And I know that is not right, and that it's all just negative thoughts.  I know I don't actually wish this and mean this.  I just wish I could be clearer, in my mind, heart, and soul.

Life is but an adventure...I need to learn some better skills. 

Friday, April 10, 2015

Seven days

Seven days.
That has proven time and again is my attention span to new things: diets, cleanses, art.
But this is day 10, and although I have sipped coffee and devoured a bagel, my brain, heart, body are telling me: you know better than that. 
I know that for me, little indiscretions add up.
I know a candy here and a bite here become a bag of candy and a whole cake.
I feel like standing on the street corner and giving people advice.
I feel like shouting "I KNOW IT ALL, THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO."
I feel like helping others is better than taking my own advice.
I believe with my whole heart that we teach what we ourselves need/lack.

I feel like letting my soul explode and say FUCK IT ALL. 
I feel like living a carefree life, yet still be able to pay my bills.
I feel like taking a day off and not having to tell a soul if I spend it all in bed.

I feel that I am rebelling against all that I was taught.
I feel that maybe my mouth will get my in a lot of trouble.
I feel like picking a fight, even if my heart is in my throat, chocking the words out.

This might be my rebel year.
This might be my coming out, my middle finger, my liberation.
I love days like these.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

100th time

If I had a $1 for the many lives and faces this blog has had, I could quit my job.
I want to quit my job anyways, but I'm just saying.
I wrote in my journal about a week ago "I'm done with my blog.  I suck at it, it sucks, I can't do it."
This came from a place of frustration, comparison, lack of time, lack of faith, and patience.
I get easily influenced by the words of blogging experts, and I get easily influenced by the beautiful images of people who are either professional photographers, or who have been blogging for years, and are just near perfect at it.  I do not have the time most days to structure a blog post.  That is part truth and part excuse.  What I can do is actually try, like really really try, and do it my way.  Do me.  If my humor doesn't translate, so be it.  If my pictures aren't magazine quality, so what.  Since I've first heard of blogging and started blogging, I have always had the feeling that I just want to share with folks.  Although I know by now that I am not the only one out there that looks like me, feels like me, thinks like me, etc. I still feel there is a gap or maybe a need for me to share my corner of the world, of my mind, and my experiences. 

Here is to starting over again.  For the 100th time.  For the same reason I started. 

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Quote this #3

I know it's not Wednesday, but that's life.  Things get done when there is time.

Maybe this is not a quote, more of a statement, but that's how I've been feeling lately.
14-hour days almost every day at work.
Couple hours for the kids, which are not always good and intentional hours.
Falling into bed exhausted.
Waking up even more tired than the night before.
I don't like it at all.

This is what I'd like to go by.
It's never too late.
Never too late.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Gray shirt

I'm wearing a gray, long sleeve shirt.
It's warm and I'm cold.
It's the same shirt I wore for three weeks in December, fighting the most terrible flu.
I like it's tightness around my neck.
It's like a hug.
I like that it covers all of me: from my neck to my waist. 
I have been needing to feel safe and secure.
I've been needing to feel contained, as my mind runs all over the place.
This is what I imagine children sometimes need, a safe cocoon to get into.

"The days we feel whole and beautiful are gifts" Hannah Marcotti

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Quote this #2

There was a time in my life where I wanted to use different mediums in one project: paint, glue, paper, markers.
I was told not to.
I was told mediums don't mix.
I listened.
Now I know it's called mixed-media art, and it's beauty blows me away.

There was a time in my life where I liked taking photos of things, of scenery, of buildings.
I was told not to.
I was told that pictures needed to have people in them.
I listened.
Now I know it's called still-life, and those images can take up hours of my time.

I don't think I'll be listening any more.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Quote This #1

Here it is.
As promised.
The first (1st) Quote This post.
I had trouble connecting to the internet this morning, and a part of me said "NNNNNNOOOOOOO"
Then I re-grouped, got off my chair, and found that the wifi box was unplugged.
Can you imagine if I just sat here, trying to "fix" the internet, not being successful?
Sometimes getting up and checking things out is the way to go :)

"Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams."  Proverb

On and off for years I've been trying to have a positive mindset.
Not only on the good days, especially on the bad days. 
I find that the more I try and practice this, the easier it becomes. 

I was raised in fear: of authority, making mistakes, what people thought.
I was taught to let fear dictate my moves.
This stuck with me, because when you don't know better, you don't do better.
Even in a religious context, I was raised to fear God.

I know now, as an adult, that a fearful and a negative mindset make for a fearful and a negative life.
I no longer look at a problem and think "this is so hard."
I look at a problem and think "how do I get around this?"
"What is the silver lining?"

I have many dreams: living debt free, being self-employed, getting a book published, quitting my day job. 
There are multiple problems along the way: mortgage, health insurance, disappointing people, taking a risk.
I have been looking at the emotional outcome I will gain if I concentrate on my dreams.
Just this morning in my journal I wrote "even if that (photography) remains a hobby, if I can throw myself into it, and have it be my happy place, than maybe work will be a bit more bearable."
I am not focusing on my problems.
I am listening to my dreams and letting them lead me where I need to go.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Quote This

I hear often at work "you'll never see me again"
I often replay to this "if I had a dollar...I wouldn't need to work here."
In reality, if I had a dollar, or probably just 50 cents for all the ideas I have, yet don't do...
you guessed it, I wouldn't need to work at all.
Yet I'm doing something, even if on the surface, or in my heart, I don't know what I'm doing.

I might have shared here before my love/hate relationship with quotes. 
To recap:
as a teenager I loved Chicken Soup for the Soul books!
To read about all these incredible people who went through so much in life, and held on to hope.
To daydream that maybe one day, I could get my most desired outcome.
I probably had thirty books.
Each better than the last.
Yet as life went on and didn't magically get better, people magically didn't change, and I didn't change for the better, I decided that hope is bullsh*t, that believing is for fairies, and that like it or not, I've been filling my head with garbage. 
My reasoning was confirmed when I tried to trade in my Soul books at an old book store, and the owner said "I'll take them, but they have no value."
AHA...I knew it. 
All crap.
A L L C R A P!

Throughout the years I'd pick up a quote or two, write it down, toss it out.
Quotes are from people who have "made it," who have succeeded, who have their sh*t together.
Not me.

Last night I stayed up until 2A.M. writing quotes I found on an Instagram page.
I wrote for two hours!!! and I remembered my cynicism, and I also remembered that I know now that life is not beautiful, uplifting quotes, but life is encouraged, and enriched by people who have "made it," and by people who have succeeded, and if a quote can touch my heart, it can also touch someone else.

Starting Wednesday February 18th, 2015, I will start a new and first series for this blog.
Quote This will be just that: I will share a quote, carefully chosen, and I will share my interpretation of it, how it's helping me, what it means to me.
I would love for anyone out there to join me by leaving a comment in the comments section telling me how a given quote has inspired them, or helped them, or even made them mad. 
I am slowly starting to believe that a positive attitude CAN be achieved by surrounding oneself with positivity.
Join me.
I think this is going to be great :)

Thursday, February 12, 2015



"Appreciation and support begins within. Self-support is reflected in the way in which we “spend” our time and utilize our space. " www.rightbrainplanner.com

This is so fitting to what I've been discovering and noticing lately.
My Candy Crush game is off my phone.  No more.  It was eating up too much of my time.  Time literally wasted.  Not even to relax, but to dumb, to avoid, to check out mentally.  No more.

Just the other day I found myself in a place of "I'm tired of the computer, I don't want to look at my phone, what do I do?"
Sit with the kids
I know, it's embarrassing, and it's also a choice.
I sat on the couch, and before my butt touched the cushion, my daughter was curled up in my lap.
Joy, love, humbling.
Always choose your kids, and not as a last resort or an after thought, no more.

I managed to walk to the cottage yesterday, and in an attempt to get rid of the blue carpet there, I got to do some cutting.
There is some fake tile under the carpet.

After pulling away some tile, I found this black surface, which I don't know what it is.  In a couple days, when my eye is healed (eye infection) I'm going to rip up the whole carpet.  No reason to wait.  The black surface looks much better than the blue fuzzy carpet.
I had to take a shot of this closet. 
Here is what I'm hoping it will look like soon.
Reading alcove
Yes, I do plan on a window.
LOVE THIS IDEA...put molding around a closet, remove the door, add lights and comfy seat with pillows to make a unique and special reading nook.
This is going to take lots of work and lots of time, but it is possible, and I intend to do it. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015


For the amount of time I spend on the Internet, it was bound to happen: the Internet has taught me something.
It showed me that I am impatient, and that instant gratification has become part of who I am.
Maybe not the most positive traits to have, but how full circle that the thing that I waste my time on the most, has taught me that I need to slow down, and really, I just need to chill.

Anytime there is a problem with connection.
Anytime I have to wait a full second.
Anytime I have to WAIT period.
I move my mouse, I check the connection, I say "come on come on COME ON!" about a gazillion times. 
I am in a hurry to get to the next web page, to see that next image, to figure out what my future holds.

It was the other day when my online game wouldn't load. 
That game: Candy Crush...NOTHING important. 
I was so close to just banging my head against my desk, because damn it, I needed to crush some candy!

It was the other day when my e-mail wouldn't load fast enough.
I had e-mails to read, life changing e-mails, about how other people are doing business, and one of those days they will send THE e-mail my way that will let me in on their SECRET.
Note: I know there is no secret.  Consistency and determination - that's the formula.

This self-realization made me chuckle, and then frown, and then feel all sorts of emotions all at the same time. 

Unless I use the Internet to actually reach my goals, whatever those are these days, I am wasting time, and I am doing myself disservice, and I am doing my family disservice. 

Is the Internet a time waster for you too?

Monday, February 9, 2015


I feel like there isn't enough truth out here on the Internet.
I feel that anyone who chooses to show only the happy stuff, doesn't know how to express the bad stuff.
I believe wholeheartedly that cultivating a positive attitude will make for more positive days, but I also know that when life kicks you in the pants, it's easy and fast to fall into despair. 

Majority of my life has been spent chasing, achieving, and then working my dream of law enforcement.
With the birth of my daughter five years ago, a new fire has been lit within me.
A fire of creativity, of wanting more time in the day at home, of wanting quiet.
For the past five years I have been trying to figure out what my next calling is.
As it stands today, I don't know.
Here are some close runner ups:
- painting
- writer
- blogger
- woman helper
- retreat leader
- photographer
- decorator
- DIYer

 None of these things are real things yet.

I don't pain enough to become good at it.  As soon as my paint brush hits the canvas, and the outcome looks nothing like in my mind, the dream is over.

I journal A LOT in my personal journal, and just recently have had the desire to write a sassy article or two, but no one is looking for me, and I don't know where to go.

Same goes for blogging...I have THE BEST intentions, no follow through

I love women.  I get offended by comments and jokes about women that are not true.  I don't play around with words, or try to be gentle.  I tell it how it is with that I see, however I show respect and an open heart.  Where do I start with that? Who do I help?

A retreat, a barn, a space...think about this daily.  Every day.  I have a Pin board or two dedicated to this.

I have a vision about a book featuring women in their "manly" jobs, as well as another idea...but that is the thing, the idea is just an idea.  I have done the most towards this. I have been practicing with my camera and learning about it.  I feel like this is what I will follow through with the most.  I have reached out to our family photographer, a woman, to help me understand the ins and outs.  Nothing has come of it yet.

I decorate our house, and I'm cool with that.  I need to continue to work and decorate the cottage, but I'm OK with that being a hobby.

I like to build things, I can follow simple instructions, but again, I am the idea girl.

Is there anyone else out there that is struggling with defining their calling?

Is there anyone else out there struggling with all the pretty pictures, because someone "chooses" to only show that part of their life?  I'm not hating on these people, I love their Instagram feeds, and blogs, it just doesn't sit well with me that the struggle is hidden so much. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Who am I?

I have the pens, and the paints, and the books and the journals.
I have the dreams, and ideas, and moments of readiness.
I have what it takes to get things done,
I am faced with a fear, with an unknown, with an undefined idea, an empty longing.

I know who I am as a person, but I don't know what my label is.
A label in a good way, a definition, an introduction, a knowledge.
I don't know who I am in terms of my dreams.
A writer, a painter, a mixed media artist, a coach?
I am a seeker and a dreamer, yet I cannot find that one thing that will spark my passion.

I've been letting go of comparison, but I'm obsessed with looking at inspiration.
I have been so lazy, and unmotivated on my days off, that it pains me to be in my skin.
Procrastination continues to be my best friend, yet time is ticking...tic-tok tic-toc...up comes my 20th work anniversary (although it won't be for another 10 years)

Tomorrow, but really today, as it's 1:24 AM, will be a media free day.
I will do the laundry, I will clean the house, I will play with the kids, I will go for a run.
I will do the daily chores, because those things have to get done, and those things might form other good habits.
I have half the mind to go to the cottage and rip up the blue carpet, to see what is underneath.
I keep thinking (telling myself) that once I have the "dream" floor, I will start taking pictures, but I know in my heart, I don't need a "dream" floor to start my idea. 
Ever since I've declared out loud (in my journal and to the hubby) what it is I want to try, I have yet to step inside the cottage. 
I avoid it like the plague.
This happens quite a bit...I declare things, and as soon as they are off my mind, I stop thinking about it. 

I don't want to be that person.
I really don't.

Monday, January 12, 2015

the package

"Awareness is the first step in being able to assess what's not working for you.  Once you are aware, then you have information that you can use to decide what you might do (or think) differently moving forward." Lisa Sonora

How I love smart women.  Lisa Sonora is just such a woman, and I've been doing her 30 Days Journal Prompt writing since the beginning of January, and little snippets like the quote above get my brain going. 

A thought after being aware of what is not working.

Some musicians, young and old, have said that in earlier years, all one had to do was sing well, and the record company would "make a star" out of them.  These days, not only do you need to sing well (sometimes) but you also have to look like a million bucks.  You have to come in off the street as a brand, as a package, as a SUPER STAR.

I feel like that's also how I look at established blogs and writers.  I feel like I need to come out with a beautiful, clean internet space right out of the gate.  I need to be an "expert" without having any real expertise.  I need to have the look, the sound, the following...with just one post.

A bit unrealistic?  I'd say so. 

The other day I listened to a podcast and a snippet that caught my attention was something along the lines of "being a boss is looking flawless...ten years later." 

I no longer feel the pressure to be THE BEST BLOG.
I also don't feel the need to learn coding, professional photography, cooking, perfect child raising, on and on and on. 
I do me...what I know, what I want, and what I hope will work.

One thing I know for sure.
Comparison does NOT work when trying to be me.

Thursday, January 8, 2015


breathing really is important

tears literally cleanse
and leave a red face

"oh what the heck"...
is a good attitude to have

"this will work"...
also a good attitude to have
I have to fake it, but it will work

purging, not stopping until a path is clear
there are days I feel like all I've done is write
and there is nothing wrong with that
I keep my journals for as long as I have to

I feel so open lately,
I feel so I don't give a f$&k lately
and then I hide in the corner until it's clear

what has 2015 felt like to you so far?

Friday, January 2, 2015

You can see

What I struggle with is so easy to see.
One look at me and a complete stranger can tell what my problem is.
Weight...or excess of it is not easy to hide.
Whoever said "jewelry always fits" is a liar.
I received a beautiful necklace from my husband and kids this Christmas, something the kids are so proud of that they picked out.  It doesn't fit.  The first attempt to put it on resulted in the clasp breaking, small beads spilling around me.  My husband was able to fix it, but one look into his eyes and I saw the sadness he tries to hide so much. 

Although you can see what I struggle with, you can't tell how I struggle with it. 
Unless we talk...my sarcasm and sense of humor clue you in as to what I'm trying to divert attention from. 

There is no hiding my struggle.
There is no magic to make it go away.
There are not enough affirmations in this world that'll make me feel beautiful with the way I am right now.

My New Year resolution is not to lose weight.
That's my life resolution...been working on it for some time.

My word for 2015 is Active, and a major part of that is physical activity. 

What has brought me here tonight is one too many pizza slices.  My inability to walk away.  It's mindless eating like this that beings me to my knees, and makes me ask WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why do I not listen to myself?  Why don't I do what I know is healthy?

I will make better choices tomorrow because I want to, because I want to wear that necklace that my kids picked out for me, because I want to see the smile on their faces when they tell me how they picked it out, and how they kept it a secret.

I will wear that necklace. 
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