Tuesday, May 27, 2014


The way depression works, is that I have to work really hard to do mundane things.
I'll be looking out the window, wanting to go outside, but finding a million excuses inside why I won't go out:
- I have to put on clothes
- I might have to say Hi to someone
- I'll look like a fool planting flowers
- People will look at me and judge me
- My kids will want me to run around, and I don't have the energy

Just like one foot in front of the other, for me it's one positive thought after another.  It's one affirmation after another, it's one good choice that will hopefully lead to more for the day.

Depression would like me to stay hidden, to stay inside, to stay unmotivated. 
I have learned over the years to push myself through to enjoy my days.
It's not always a success, but the more I succeed, the less I have to fight myself the next day.

My kids of course push and push for me to be "normal." 
They don't know this, they just want their mom out and about with them.
They just want me to participate in life, because that's what people do, and kids need.

I drank my coffee outside today.
I'm going to plant those flowers up front.
Today I will breathe the cool air, and allow my body to feel it, and remember it, to know that tomorrow it'll be easier to do it all over again.

Thursday, May 22, 2014


I am starting to feel it slowly.
An opening of sorts.
I feel more accepting, and almost brave.

Couple weeks ago I came upon a website.
I've been working through her True Hunger program at my own pace.
I am finding answers within me that I didn't know were there.

For months now I've been following a beautiful blog.
This woman has art, wisdom, honesty.
I want to connect with her, I want her to be my friend.

It's no secret that I read a lot of blogs, books, articles, whatnot.
I am on a quest to find inner peace. 
I am on a quest to find love.
I am on a quest to find belonging.
I am on a quest to feel free and safe.
It has taken me years to narrow down what I am searching for.
I was in a state of "anything will work as long as I can feel better and happier." 
Of course there is nothing wrong with that, yet for me having concrete feelings and needs has truly freed me already in a sense.  I feel like I have something concrete to touch, to feel.  I know what love, belonging, safety, and freedom look like to me, I know how they will feel for me.  I know what to strive for, instead of going in blind.

One of the clearest things that has come to me is that I cannot wait to receive love I wanted when I was a child.  That is not happening.  There is no going back.  I just turned 33 at the beginning of this week, so going back to 10, 13, etc. is simply not an option.

Another clearing is that I cannot wait for a childhood love from a certain person.  I'm talking family, not boys :) I cannot make that person go back in time and love me back then.  What I can do is accept the love they're giving me now, today, at the age of 33.  The love they're giving my children, the love I don't remember I got, but if my children can benefit from that in extra doses of love for them, who am I to get in the way?  Good for them.  They are my children, and they will always know they are loved.

I like clarity.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Turning 33

I will turn 33 on Monday.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know if I need to feel any one way.
I think I keep thinking about it, because I feel like with 33 comes some wisdom.
I know I long for wisdom.
I am feeling some changes happening, and I think because they're happening around my birthday, it makes me connect the two.

I am embracing that my new year can start with my birthday, not just the New Year in January.
I think seeing it like that is different, better, not so cliché, as most of us will have different start dates.

Either tomorrow or on my actual birthday, all I want to do is plant flowers.
I'm being called to get dirt on my hands, and to surround myself in beauty.

Friday, May 16, 2014


I read A LOT.

Books, magazines, the internet, small articles.

I write when the mood strikes.  Mostly in my personal journal.

I want to DO more.  As I enjoy some quiet mornings and mid-afternoons in the coming weeks, I have promised myself that I will read on those days, try to DO something, and on the days the kids and my husband are home, I will definitely DO.  I'm in an 8-week stretch of my job where I come home in the middle of the night, and only see the kids for about 20 minutes in the morning.  On weekends, I know I'll get to sleep in, but still having to go to work, I want to spend every second of every hour focused on them.

A friend and I were texting the other day, and I texted:

ME: I think I'm trying to go through multiple lifetimes in one shot :)
FRIEND: Hehe you're soul searching
ME: That's for sure.  I know I'm helping people at my current job and I know I make a difference in it by how I conduct myself, but I feel like I could give more to people that might actually take my advice.  I've always been artistic so I want to see what I can actually get good at.
FRIEND: Good! That sounds healthy and wonderful

I think the second text I sent her was the nicest thing I've ever said about myself, and actually acknowledged my strengths.  I love my current job.  I think that the more I try to pull away from it, the more I'm shown how much I rock at it. 

I still feel I need more.  I still feel I can give more. 

Here is where this post comes around.  With all this wanting and needing, and reading, and writing, it would be helpful for my soul to start doing. 

In order to get some motivation and a reminder of what I want to do, I changed a space on a shelf above the computer to reflect what I am leaning towards these days.

Before - a bunch of books, which have all been read and re-read, but were now just taking up space.
After - paint brushes, markers, box of trinkets, and a box of cards to draw/paint on.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Positive thoughts are better

When I was younger, a teenager to be exact, I used to read Chicken Soup For The Soul books like they were going out of style.  Each book had a better story than the last one.  Each book made my heart swell with good feelings, and positive thoughts. 

I think I had close to 30 of these books.
They were the air I breathed, and the life I wanted.
Even if the stories were sad, I knew they ended well. 
I especially loved it when I could relate to the stories. 
The stories in these books allowed me to day dream all day long.

When I first started feeling blue (depressed) I would get angry at these stories.
The deeper my depression went, the angrier I got.
I remember packing up all of my books, and taking them to a book store, trying to sell them or trade them in for store credit.  The store owner said the books had no value, and he wouldn't even take them because they were hard to re-sell, they were a gimmick.  I agreed with him wholeheartedly, and I was still upset he wouldn't take these books off my hands.

I don't remember what I did with the books. 
They were either donated to the Goodwill or thrown away (I do hope they were donated)

The stories in the books angered me because they were not my stories after all. 
My stories didn't seem to have a happy ending.
My stories didn't make my life better, more positive, more exciting.
I didn't gain any friends after reading the friendship book.
Positive thinking was not for me.
In my teenage angst, I declared positive thinking bullsh*t, and never did it again.
Not for a long time.

Here I am today.
I am learning positive self-talk.
I am learning self-care.
I am learning not to quit.
I am learning that a Pinterest board can be helpful, but I do have urges to delete my Inspirational Quotes one, because sometimes I call bullsh*t on it too.

I have learned that I have to call bullsh*t on my negative talk.
It doesn't just affect me anymore. It never has. I just never knew it.

*I want to clarify that that books themselves are great, and I'm sure one day I will find the courage to read them again.
**I apologize for the overuse of the word bullsh*t, but it was the only one that fit.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Love me

First there was Bruno Mars, with Just The Way You Are

"I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me

When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)."

I remember lying on my couch, listening to this song, crying my eyes out, thinking "if only he (my husband) felt about me this way.  As soon as I got into my counselors office, I told her about this song, and my thoughts, and also how I wished my parents loved me that way when I was younger.

Today I really listened the lyrics of John Legends All Of Me

"'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections"

Again I wished these specific lyrics applied to my relationships.

And then it came to me.
If I want my people: husband and parents, to love me in this way, then shouldn't I demand it from myself to?  Should I not show the world that this is the kind of love I deserve?

The obvious answer is YES YES YES.
The reality is, this will be hard, but now I know when I hear these songs, I can sing these lyrics to myself, for myself, just me.  I too want to love all my "perfect imperfections"
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