I have been cold lately. Like in the bones kind of cold. This morning, after sleeping for 10 hours, I crawled back into my bed, and let the blankets warm me up. It was such a great feeling.
Most of my coldness is physical, as I walk around in a tank top, in the middle of winter. Any breeze from the outside makes it that much worse. I have also refused to buy a coat for the last two years, because I don't like my large frame, and I don't want to have to buy a 2X coat. Not cool with me.
Then there is part of my coldness that in internal. I think the part that chills me the most. In the last two weeks, my core beliefs have been challenged at work, and I no longer feel like I can fight. I think a lot about giving up and what that will look like to other people. I think a lot about signs and callings. I think a lot about my heart, my soul, my body. I think a lot about what it would be like to take a stand, to show myself that I will not stand for less than I deserve, but taking that stand looks like stepping down, and might look like giving up to some. I don't really care about "the some," I just know questions will be asked, and right now my answers are filled with anger and venom. I don't want to impose that on other people. I don't want them to feel my anger or to even know it in all it's depth.
My body and heart are asking to be warm, and I long for a blanket that can cover them and make them feel it. Yet I know putting a blanket on my heart is only a temporary fix.