Thursday, January 28, 2016

Thursday musings

You know how there are people who can be graciously sick?  Their IG feed or FB status is filled with nice blankets, candles, cups of tea and soup, and they write some poetic caption about how everyone is sick and how it's time for reflection and time to go within?
Yeah...that's not me or my family.
We're sprawled over everywhere, puking buckets and towels by our side, cranky as can be, groaning and moaning from pain, or just not feeling well.
That's real life sh*t, not IG sickness.

I do feel like I might be on the mend though, a whole week should be enough.  I'm venturing out to work today for the first time in a week, and let me tell you, the anxiety is real.

Let me fill you in on my work life:  I strongly dislike it.
I have felt like this for a very long time now, and the end is somewhat in sight: completing a Master's Degree.
Yup, that's my ticket out of my current job.  A long and expensive ticket, but it's what my intuition wanted.

My entire being: mind, body, and soul has felt stuck for the last couple years.  There are moments when I have bad reactions, almost paralyzing, almost making me crazy.

Mind: constant thoughts about work, the issues at work, fast thoughts, irrational thoughts, sad thoughts, mad thoughts.

Body: I have had aches and pains for years, dealing with a bad back, bad feet, too much weight gain, stomach problems, headaches, you name it, I have felt it.  My body has been getting beat up from the concrete floors I walk and sit on, from the same floors where fights happen and help happens.  There are no soft landing spots in a county jail.  It's all concrete and steel baby.

Soul: oh boy...the things I have seen, smelled, touched, felt.  All is not well with my soul after 11-years of watching the human condition at it's worst.  There are moments when things seem unbearable, yet in the name of duty, we must all proceed to help, assist, stop, interrupt.  There is no turning back when you're committed into going to a fight.  There is no turning back when you're committed to getting a suicidal subject off the ledge, there is no turning back when your co-workers need you, and you MUST go in.

The human mind, body, and spirit will go ALL IN every time, especially if that is how you've been trained, and that is what you see in your life.

There is no shame in the work of corrections, and I don't want there to be any shame in saying "I can no longer do that, it is not for me."

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