Exhaustion

I wanted to write a little bit about exhaustion.
That shit is real.
I mean it.

Slurred speech, blurry vision, not knowing what day of the week it is.
Many people make fun of other people about sleeping regularly, or about not working more than 40 hours a week, but as someone who just worked 94 hours in a week span, I tell you, I am shocked and relieved that I didn't hit someone while driving home, and that I even made it home.

There are nights when I only get 4 hours of sleep, and then I am wide awake, and I get very tired by noon.  Sometimes I can squeeze in a nap before work, which then leads to cult about not getting things done around the house, and apologizing to my husband for my short comings.  It's a guilt trip I lay on myself, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

Sometimes I hear people say that you'll never work as hard as when you work for yourself and people talk about working 12 to 14 hour shifts.  I already do that, and it'll be a pleasure to work that many hours for myself, where I can actually devote that time to things I love and to things that make me happy and things that are pretty.  I would love to work all day and get to take a break when I need to pick up my kids from school, or not have to worry about working the holidays.  I would LOVE to do it.

I am learning about stress in one of my classes this semester, and we just started so I don't have too much wisdom to share, however I will share this, "depression, illness, or even death can occur after severe, prolonged stress." (Broderick, 2015, p. 65)  Trust me, I am well on my way, as I've been dealing with depression and on and off illness, hopefully death doesn't come knocking on my door any time soon.  I know it sounds morbid and dramatic, but it's my reality, and there have been many times when I voiced my concern that when I retire, I won't be able to enjoy life because I won't stick around.  It's not a feeling I like to dwell on, and I move past it quick, however it's also a sad realization about what my current job and my stress management are doing to me.

Hence the school and the big dreams.
Here is to not expiring any time soon.