Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Ever evolving

"We are different each day, in each moment, ever evolving." Linda

I got the above quote from a wonderful joy sister, and it made me think.
It makes me think about change, and I have trouble with change.
I think I have trouble accepting even slight changes in my mood, or ideas, or day-to-day dealings.

My writing coach gave me an assignment to write about my career in corrections, and why I have stayed in it for so long.  I honestly don't have a deep answer.  It pays the bills, I don't see any other work out there that calls to me, I am good at what I do, etc.  Yet there is a big part of why I have found it so hard to accept that I no longer wish to work in corrections.

See, for years, ever since I can remember as a child, I said I would be in law enforcement.  I only had one relative who was a police officer, and I don't even recall seeing him in uniform.  It's just something I have always wanted to do.  There was fire in me to pursue this career.  It didn't end up exactly as imagined, as I work at the jail, not out on patrol, but that never really mattered.  As soon as I started working in the jail, I knew I belonged there, not out on the road.

I don't remember when I started feeling frustrated with work, and when I started talking about leaving.  I have been there for 11 years now, and the desire to leave has been growing stronger every day.

The pivotal moment or realization for me that I was done was when I got promoted.  Weird? Yes.  Surprising?  Yes.  Does it make me question my sanity?  Yes.  I got promoted and all of a sudden I started disliking being there with every fiber of my body.  I got promoted and all sorts of things started calling out to me: quite, go back to school, become an artist, write a book, become a photographer, paint, make stuff.  All of a sudden my artistic side exploded within me.

Sometimes I wonder if I want to leave because it's too hard to deal with staff?  Sometimes I wonder if I just don't fit in as a supervisor?  Many times I wonder if they just made a mistake when they chose me, and now they can't take it back.  There have been many times when I thought about stepping down from my current rank, yet that idea doesn't sit well with me, and I know it is not the answer.  I do know the answer, and the answer is to leave.  I also know that I have bills to pay, and that I provide for my family, and that health insurance is important.  Those last things might sound like excuses, but they are not, they are my current reasons for staying.

I have gone back to school to pursue a Master's degree in counseling.  I've only done one semester, but I like.  I like to think about what my future brings, and I understand that one day I will need to put in my two weeks notice, and my family might go without insurance for a short time, and we might have to change our lifestyle.  I am OK with that.  As much as I can, I want to have all my ducks in a row so that my family doesn't have to worry about money, and time spent together.  I know I am not in control, and I also know that planning for the future is a good idea.

I accept that I am different today than I was 11 years ago when I started my job.  I accept that I now want to do something different, and I accept that I am ever evolving, and that these voices, and dreams, and ideas are with me for a reason.

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