Wednesday, September 3, 2014

being present, loving now

what does my cat and my children have in common?
probably not much, yet so many things.
if you look at my Instagram feed, I took a couple pictures of Pika
she seems to have aged.
earlier this summer she was underweight, now she is overweight
earlier this year, as she peed all over our laundry room and never in her litter box, my husband and I were discussing our options
she stopped peeing outside her box for a long time
lately she's been spending all the nights with LJ, and my husband is always missing her, sometimes going and getting her, only to have her run back to LJ's bed.
his bed is low off the ground
he's a little guy
I don't think he moves much at night
today I watched her "hop" onto a very low chair, and I can see that her back legs are not working as well as they used to
she spends A LOT of time sleeping
she never does a victory lap after pooping anymore
I took a bunch of pictures of her because I was reminded that her time with us could be short
I took pictures of her because I want to remember her
she was a gift from my husband to me, when I was battling really bad depression, and him and I were living hours apart
it's sad to admit, but I remember I love her when I see something "wrong" with her

how does this tie into my children?

motherhood (parenthood) is so tricky
I told my friend last night at dinner while the kids were giving each other pony rides, "I love it when they get along."
the statement struck me as awkward, because I love them all the times, and of course they are cuter when they're behaving
when they are misbehaving, their cuteness is their only saving grace sometimes
earlier today I was thinking about being more present when I spend time with them
no more checking e-mail, no more distractions like the TV
if they want to watch a show, I will watch that show with them
my schedule is crazy: two months on day shift, two months on swing/night shift
my days off rotate every four weeks, and sometimes I get six days off in a row, and sometimes I have to work eight days in a row before I get a day off
on the swing/night shift I am on right now, the kids don't get to see much of me
they see a zombie, a woman who wants to be awake with them, yet doesn't want to hear the noise, or the requests, or the crying
that is not fair
I will be more present with my children, whether they're behaving or not
and I will not be perfect at this, but I will try very hard
I remember I love them all the time, but I don't want to love them the most only when they get along

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