Tuesday, September 23, 2014

There is nothing wrong

There is nothing wrong with me.  Or you, I'm sure.

I texted my health coach today and told her I was ready to quit. 
I then proceeded to tell her why and all my irrational thoughts and beliefs.
I say irrational, because if I know it makes no sense, or it's an excuse, it's not valid, and it is irrational.
I think there is no such thing as a valid excuse when it comes to my health.
I don't validate my excuses, not anymore at least, but I still use them (just wanted to make that clear)

My health coach did what she does best, and talked to me, and talked me out of quitting.
You know, I've been with her for 5 months, and I have yet to lose weight, but at this point, she's my cheerleader to just keep me going, without completely quitting.

She had me make a list of reasons I wanted to be healthy, then a list of cons for being healthy.
Here it is:
My reasons for wanting to lose weight:

- to feel better physically, I want all the aches and pains to go away, I want to be able to run, to exercise, to not be out of breath when I take the stairs
- to look better
- to not have people look at me and ask me if I’m pregnant
- to not have people ask me if I want to lose weight
- to not have more sad days because of my weight
- to have more energy
- to look better in clothes, to not dread shopping
- to feel more confident and more comfortable in my body
-to be able to sit on the couch and put my arms around my knees, and not have my stomach get in the way
- to not have to adjust my clothes all the time for fear that my stomach is showing
- to not be the biggest person in my family
- to not shy away from my dreams because I think only good looking and slim people are able to succeed in certain careers, like party planning, or coaching
- to not have to make excuses for why I look the way I do, why I eat the way I do, why I dress the way I do

 The cons for losing weight would be all the stuff above.  I think the biggest con would be that I would not hate myself so much or at all.  I have done so much work with my mental health and well being, I have dug deep into so many issues, and although I don’t believe there is such a thing as life balance, that’s the only way I can explain it.  I want my insides to match my outsides, because I do think that I’m a good and smart person, yet because of the way I look, I don’t allow that to come through, and I don’t allow those positive feelings to come to the surface.  I wish society was more understanding and approving of bigger girls, yet at the same time, it’s me that is not accepting and approving of myself.  There were times my husband told me he didn’t care what size I was, he just wanted me to take care of myself and dress nice, because clothes do come in different sizes.  I admire bigger girls who are comfortable in their skin, and although they are overweight, they still take pride in their appearance.
That's my list.
That is what I sent her.  (I can never make things short)
I think after writing things out, then having some time to let it all sink in, I realized
My goals, fears, excuses, body, are all a part of me.
I am not saying I don't want things to change.
I am not saying this will get easy overnight.
It's just an Ah-a moment type of thing, and as I go on my journey, it's a first step towards better and fuller acceptance.
Go ahead.
Make your list.  Read it. Re-read it.  What is it telling you?
Share :)

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