Thursday, June 12, 2014

I started two blog posts that never got finished, just saved as drafts:

1."these memories wanted to be seen & FELT by the ME i have become. the ME who has been working so hard to heal & open her heart. the ME who sees and FEELS so very differently than the me of a few years ago."

2.The anti-depressants are my insulin.
That's how a counselor sold me on meds.
That's how a counselor convinced me that my life was in danger.
She painted the clearest of pictures.
I could not ignore her analogy.

Whether you take anti-depressants or not, is a very personal decision.

here is where I am today
hit with a panic attack at work
I feel too much
I have a low tolerance for bullsh*t
I cannot be fake
I cannot be an open book
I want to sit quietly in the comforts of my home, outside in my yard, surrounded by the little people I am trying to raise
I don't get to see these little people much
I don't find comfort in "enjoy every second you have with them on your days off"
I don't see them but for a few minutes in the morning before they get hauled off to daycare, so that I can sleep from the night before

I don't have breathing room/space for 10 hours of my day
I'm not hanging out with my favorite people
I fight negativity from sucking me in
I feel like I need to be on mute to make it through the day

today I didn't do mute
today I spit venom until a friend stopped me
today I broke down in tears, wanting to scream and groan to let all this internal sh*t out
today I wanted to feel alive and not numb and not mad
today I took two anxiety pills because my thoughts and breaking were racing
today I came home to a safe place, with safe people, with safe walls
today I just hit a wall

but tomorrow i'll wake up again, put on my running shoes, and do my darnest to jog more than walk
tomorrow I will go to a re-store and see if I can find a table for my sweet girl, and round table she requested after she saw one in a magazine
I want to pull out all the furniture I would like to paint
I'd like to get my hands dirty and my mind quiet
tomorrow I might just stay home, because home is where I am safe

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