on giving up

I do it too much,
too quickly,
too suddenly,
too often.

it is my escape,
my excuse,
the way I live.

I remember high school and college,
I remember looking for a job,
I remember accomplishing my goals.

I remember my first baby, and post partum depression
I remember the terrible feeling of being unnecessary.
I remember wanting to run away.
I remember feeling worthless.

it has been almost 5 years since my first baby,
she teaches me so much, as all babies do.
she holds me accountable for what I say and do.
she's made me apologize to her, bended on my knees, tears streaming down my face,
because I promised myself and her, I would never be like her.
a different her.

I have given up on myself some time ago,
I don't give up on anyone else.

it's not working anymore,
the giving up is not working any more.
it haunts me,
and taunts me,
and slays me inside.
I'm exposed for everyone to see.