eyes closed

i almost always close my eyes
i almost always tip my head back

i was at work, and after using the potty i was putting my belt back on
i have two belts: one simple one that's for my pants, and a second one that is a duty belt:
hand cuff holder, radio holder, gun holster, ammo holster, flashlight
in order for the duty belt to fit over the first belt, the first belt has to be just right.

for months now i've been cinching my belts, because my waist doesn't want to get smaller
for months now i've been struggling in the locker room to get dressed
for months now i've been closing my eyes and tilting my head back so i don't have to face myself

i don't just avoid my eyes at work, i do it everywhere
when i'm in a public restroom, i gaze in awe at women checking themselves out, fixing their makeup
daring to see themselves right where they are
it's not size or race dependent, confident women do it,
women who are finding themselves,
women who are building confidence,
brave women.

i have done many exercises to help me with looking at myself in the mirror.
it has always felt awkward, i always feel like i'm seeing a stranger.
it's never really bothered me, until now
looks like a need challenge and a new chapter in my life is coming