Friday, December 13, 2013

All of it

Another cup of coffee.
Another unhealthy snack.
I'm struggling today:
- with being a mama
- with being present and engaged
- with goals and dreams
- with other people moving forward
- with my lack of time (or the feeling of lack of time)
- with my inability to create and parent at the same time
- with my lack of believing in myself

I think new things are opening for me, and I feel this struggle, because I'm feeling pulled in many directions.
I worry that other people, the image of other people and their work, body, family influence me too much, and what I really want isn't REAL, it's just something I've seen on the web.

I'm looking forward to a Saturday party with friends.
It's a party I dreamed up weeks ago, then cancelled, then felt called to have again.
We'll be celebrating the winter solstice.
The first solstice of this year that I've actually taken the time to celebrate. 
I wanted to celebrate them all, but fear and doubt got in the way.

Yesterday, while bouncing my son on my leg, I got the sudden urge to become strong.
Physically strong.

I think tonight is a great night to pray and to surrender.

This is my little "altar" of words I see everyday.  I'm adding to it slowly.  I have to be called to add something.  O colored the star and put it up.  I think it fits great.


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