Exhaustion

I wanted to write a little bit about exhaustion.
That shit is real.
I mean it.

Slurred speech, blurry vision, not knowing what day of the week it is.
Many people make fun of other people about sleeping regularly, or about not working more than 40 hours a week, but as someone who just worked 94 hours in a week span, I tell you, I am shocked and relieved that I didn't hit someone while driving home, and that I even made it home.

There are nights when I only get 4 hours of sleep, and then I am wide awake, and I get very tired by noon.  Sometimes I can squeeze in a nap before work, which then leads to cult about not getting things done around the house, and apologizing to my husband for my short comings.  It's a guilt trip I lay on myself, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

Sometimes I hear people say that you'll never work as hard as when you work for yourself and people talk about working 12 to 14 hour shifts.  I already do that, and it'll be a pleasure to work that many hours for myself, where I can actually devote that time to things I love and to things that make me happy and things that are pretty.  I would love to work all day and get to take a break when I need to pick up my kids from school, or not have to worry about working the holidays.  I would LOVE to do it.

I am learning about stress in one of my classes this semester, and we just started so I don't have too much wisdom to share, however I will share this, "depression, illness, or even death can occur after severe, prolonged stress." (Broderick, 2015, p. 65)  Trust me, I am well on my way, as I've been dealing with depression and on and off illness, hopefully death doesn't come knocking on my door any time soon.  I know it sounds morbid and dramatic, but it's my reality, and there have been many times when I voiced my concern that when I retire, I won't be able to enjoy life because I won't stick around.  It's not a feeling I like to dwell on, and I move past it quick, however it's also a sad realization about what my current job and my stress management are doing to me.

Hence the school and the big dreams.
Here is to not expiring any time soon.

Ever evolving

"We are different each day, in each moment, ever evolving." Linda

I got the above quote from a wonderful joy sister, and it made me think.
It makes me think about change, and I have trouble with change.
I think I have trouble accepting even slight changes in my mood, or ideas, or day-to-day dealings.

My writing coach gave me an assignment to write about my career in corrections, and why I have stayed in it for so long.  I honestly don't have a deep answer.  It pays the bills, I don't see any other work out there that calls to me, I am good at what I do, etc.  Yet there is a big part of why I have found it so hard to accept that I no longer wish to work in corrections.

See, for years, ever since I can remember as a child, I said I would be in law enforcement.  I only had one relative who was a police officer, and I don't even recall seeing him in uniform.  It's just something I have always wanted to do.  There was fire in me to pursue this career.  It didn't end up exactly as imagined, as I work at the jail, not out on patrol, but that never really mattered.  As soon as I started working in the jail, I knew I belonged there, not out on the road.

I don't remember when I started feeling frustrated with work, and when I started talking about leaving.  I have been there for 11 years now, and the desire to leave has been growing stronger every day.

The pivotal moment or realization for me that I was done was when I got promoted.  Weird? Yes.  Surprising?  Yes.  Does it make me question my sanity?  Yes.  I got promoted and all of a sudden I started disliking being there with every fiber of my body.  I got promoted and all sorts of things started calling out to me: quite, go back to school, become an artist, write a book, become a photographer, paint, make stuff.  All of a sudden my artistic side exploded within me.

Sometimes I wonder if I want to leave because it's too hard to deal with staff?  Sometimes I wonder if I just don't fit in as a supervisor?  Many times I wonder if they just made a mistake when they chose me, and now they can't take it back.  There have been many times when I thought about stepping down from my current rank, yet that idea doesn't sit well with me, and I know it is not the answer.  I do know the answer, and the answer is to leave.  I also know that I have bills to pay, and that I provide for my family, and that health insurance is important.  Those last things might sound like excuses, but they are not, they are my current reasons for staying.

I have gone back to school to pursue a Master's degree in counseling.  I've only done one semester, but I like.  I like to think about what my future brings, and I understand that one day I will need to put in my two weeks notice, and my family might go without insurance for a short time, and we might have to change our lifestyle.  I am OK with that.  As much as I can, I want to have all my ducks in a row so that my family doesn't have to worry about money, and time spent together.  I know I am not in control, and I also know that planning for the future is a good idea.

I accept that I am different today than I was 11 years ago when I started my job.  I accept that I now want to do something different, and I accept that I am ever evolving, and that these voices, and dreams, and ideas are with me for a reason.

Learning small success

It's interesting to me my desire to affect change.
My play of wanting to be seen and heard, and yet hiding at the slightest sign of approval.
I can only imagine that this is something I will need to work on, and I'm not quite sure where to start.

There are so many videos out there and blog posts, and websites, and Instagram accounts, that are so inspiring, and motivating, yet for the most part I feel like I am just wasting my time, and I am just making excuses for not having time, because I am too busy watching someone else work.

I find myself at the crossroads of taking it easy, and listening to my body, and letting art and creativity just come to me, and working my ass off, and putting in the work, the hustle, the sweat.  It dawned on me the other day, that there are two types of people: people who get she*t done, and people who don't.  I am in the latter category.  Not something to be proud of, but definitely a starting point, a discovery of sorts, a way of knowing where I am starting, and where I need to start.

My biggest challenge lately has been learning about my Mac computer, and synching everything together.  I rarely have a quiet moment, and I get frustrated easily.  I feel less than smart when I can't figure something out, because mine is the generation who "should" know computers.

I am learning, and I am learning a lot.  I am learning that it will take a lot of work to get where I want to get, I am learning that currently I don't have what it takes to get there, but I am learning that people don't become successful without putting in the work, and starting somewhere.  Even my rambling here, it feels like a small success, because I took the time to write, I took the time to admit some things, I took the time to learn something.

Here's hoping I see more progress for myself, as well as figure out my computer before my frustration tells me to quit.

Word of the year and other stuff

My assignment for this week from my writing coach is to make a blog post.
Yes, I have a writing coach because I want to write, photograph, and publish a photo book.
Judging by my commitment to this blog, and inability to stay consistent, I am not doing all that well.
I even stopped writing in my journal.

I am trying to find my voice.
I am trying to find defenses against people (readers) who might not get my writing voice.
I have a self-deprecating sense of humor, I don't follow any trends, I've never been cool, and I have an opinion that's not always the best one.
I have a problem presenting myself as an expert when I am not one.
Many bloggers either present themselves as experts or get assigned that label, and it's not true, and it puts a lot of pressure on people.
I am a person who likes to change her mind, but I don't think people would be OK with that.
I am a person who admires positive thinking, and positive intentions, but I also like to say that they don't always work, and that thinking positive is one thing, but getting sh*t done is another.

For some reason I am worried about what people will think and being misunderstood, and I know I will not have the time to answer comments that might be negative.
I know there is a way to monitor comments, yet I have a full time job that I am trying to leave, so I don't have time for all that comment moderation.

As with every new year, and every new beginning, my intentions are to be organized and prepared.
I can't promise myself or anyone else that those intentions will be fulfilled.  What I can promise (sort of) is that I will write down my ideas, and then I will write blog posts about them.  I will write as me, and if someone finds it offensive, I will explain or clarify, but if they still have a problem with it, both of us ill need to move on and move forward.

My word for 2016 is freedom.  
There are some invisible chains that I wear and worries that are not mine, and I need to free my mind, spirit and soul from them.
There are obligations that I never asked for and fulfilling them will break me, and some of them I'll allow to break me, the rest I need freedom from.

I will do the best I can, but I will also keep looking at this quote my friend sent me, because she knows me well

"You either try or you don't.  If you try, you can talk about it.  If you don't try, stay silent."

Here is to me and this blog not staying quite for too long, and for me finding and creating my freedom in 2016.

Writing prompts

A question I'm pondering is this: is it easier to be disappointed in people, or in ourselves?  What hurts more: being let down by others, or letting ourselves down?  Accountability: I hired a writing coach to hold me accountable towards my goal.  It's working...a little bit...because I am starting to dislike being disappointed in myself, and I am tired of making excuses for myself, yet there is this comfort, this knowing that I am stuck with myself forever, and sometimes that allows me to be more graceful with myself than if I had to extend that grace to others.

I recently got a journal which comes with 300 writing prompts.  I have been slacking in my journaling, even the one for me, so I figured that in order to get my butt going in the right direction, I would journal on these prompts daily.  The first prompt is hard already, but the only way to do something is to actually do it.  I will be going back and forth between here and my real journal.

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."  Albert Einstein

Describe the best mistake you've ever made and all the positive things you learned from that mistake.

Ready. Set. Journal.

Brain stuff

My mind has been occupied with so many things, BIG things, little things, important things, first world problem things.

Sometimes I feel like there is too much going on in my head, which causes anxiety, which causes long pauses, and breathing, and gentle reminders to be patient. 

I have started working with a writing coach for a book idea.  She says it sounds great, she says there is a market and need for what I want to do, and that is just sweet music to my ears.  I actually wrote her an e-mail today telling her how wonderful it feels to be working on an idea.

I have started a Master's program in counseling.  I think three classes is too much to take on, but it's too late to drop now, so until next semester, I'll just keep reading and writing over and over again, until every assignment is turned in.

I have been binge watching the I Am Cait show on E! and I am just blown away by EVERYTHING.  I don't think I can explain what I am feeling, thinking, understanding.  One of the most powerful things I took from an episode was what an ally really was.  Just saying "I accept you," doesn't mean you're an ally.  Asking "what do you need from me?" and then doing it.  An example given was "what do you need from me?" the answer "I need you to help me get through this crowd unharmed, be my bodyguard," and then doing it, that's an ally.  I never knew this.

My friends best friend is fighting for her son's life.  I think and pray for them every night.  Little AJ is a fighter.  His mama and dad and sister are incredible people.  Thinking positive thoughts for this family.

Sleep...something I need. 

Ugliness

The more I live,
the more I see,
the more I go through,
the more insight I get into my inner workings.

Couple nights ago I got an insight into a negative part.
For all intents and purposes, I am selfish.

I provide for my family,
I help out my friends,
I lend a helping hand, dollar, support.

Yet deep inside, there is a selfish part, it's ugly, and it needs to be changed.

The best way to explain it is this:
you and a co-worker are vying for a promotion, and you don't get it, and as you stand there clapping in the audience, smiling, saying all the right things, deep inside you are not hurt because you got passed over, you are jealous. 

Another example:
a loved one shares some serious health news, and as sad as you are, your thoughts go to that clock in their living room that you're always wanted, and for a split second you forget they are possibly dying, and you start scheming how you could get that clock left to you in their will.

This could be all of us, this could be just me, and as ugly as this truth is, once uncovered, I knew immediately I needed to change my ways.