Ugliness

The more I live,
the more I see,
the more I go through,
the more insight I get into my inner workings.

Couple nights ago I got an insight into a negative part.
For all intents and purposes, I am selfish.

I provide for my family,
I help out my friends,
I lend a helping hand, dollar, support.

Yet deep inside, there is a selfish part, it's ugly, and it needs to be changed.

The best way to explain it is this:
you and a co-worker are vying for a promotion, and you don't get it, and as you stand there clapping in the audience, smiling, saying all the right things, deep inside you are not hurt because you got passed over, you are jealous. 

Another example:
a loved one shares some serious health news, and as sad as you are, your thoughts go to that clock in their living room that you're always wanted, and for a split second you forget they are possibly dying, and you start scheming how you could get that clock left to you in their will.

This could be all of us, this could be just me, and as ugly as this truth is, once uncovered, I knew immediately I needed to change my ways. 

Do it

I'm talking real sh*t here:
 - buying that shampoo and conditioner
 - throwing away empty cans of shaving cream
 - restocking on my favorite drinks
 - restocking on snacks
 - brushing teeth every single day
 - picking up that piece of paper that's been there for hours
 - going through the mail
 - paying the late bills

Self-care is all this and more.

Reflections

I decided to give the middle finger to the world, and to life, and to myself last night, and I got Taco Bell for dinner, and washed it down with some white wine.

I did the same thing today...minus the wine...all out.

I gave myself two hours, which turned into three, after I got home from work, to just eat, watch trashy TV, and I ended up falling asleep.

I'm finally doing laundry, took all the trash and recycle out, and it's feeling less and less suffocating inside.

I have been having a lot of dialogue with people in my life, as well as myself, and it's all about happiness, and about figuring out my feelings, their feelings, our place in the world. 

A work friends said to me the other day "you've already made a decision, you know what you want."

I do.

When your heart is bigger than your bank account

...and my heart is huge.
My ideas come from my heart.
My mind does the logistics, but the heart pumps it up (literally).

I can see it clear as day:
- candles in the right places
- music
- craft and/or journaling supplies
- a sign leading to the cottage
- talking/doodling/writing
- fliers hanging in coffee shops, inviting people to come over

This is my idea of a small heaven.

Then the dreams get bigger and bolder.
Maybe a bigger house, and maybe more space, maybe more cottages...
...running a business that could fuel my soul.

Wake up your butterflies

It seems so simple.
I applied for a new job, and all the weight of the world got lifted off my shoulders.
I only applied.  I didn't get a new job.  After thinking about it I turned down an interview.  That job and money is not for me. 
I applied because I could.
I applied to show myself that I am not stuck in my current position.
I applied because I am the one making choices, not someone else.
I applied to let it be known that I am moving on, even if it's in a small way.
My friend called me after work yesterday, and she said "it's so good seeing you smile again." I told her I didn't know what it was, why I felt so happy, and she said "you feel free."
That's exactly how I feel.
Ever since I filled out an application, I am paying more attention at my current job, I am more involved, I am more present.
This might be normal behavior, but I know this freedom I'm feeling is because I am not stuck any more.
I see my goals.
I can feel them inside.
I can feel my body reacting with butterflies in my stomach. 
I think because I have worked hard for the last 10 years, I'm not delusional about things being easy, coming easy, going according to plan.  I am aware that I'll have to work harder, longer, smarter, yet all of that is what makes this so exciting.
I am excited about my future.

What is one small step you could take today to wake up your butterflies?

 

Self-care ideas

I have a whole post ready about self-care, but because it's Sunday and I do have to work in the evening, here are just a couple quick things that make me think of self-care:

-showers
-brushing teeth
-getting dressed in the morning
-playing with pretty paper
-photos
-following your dreams with knees shaking
-reading a favorite magazine
-watching a favorite TV show in peace
-asking for time alone
-making time for friends, sometimes inside the chaos
-yard work
-trying something new
-not worrying about anyone else's opinion - we are all just people

These are just a couple things.  I will have more soon.
Happy Sunday

Small steps

Hello.
Where do you go when you have nothing to say?
Where do you go when you have a lot to say but it doesn't want to come out right?
I keep reading that in order to write, one has to write, even if nothing comes out.
I've been wanting to do a challenge of writing every day for 30 days, but that's not my style.
I have been thinking A LOT lately about excuses, and taking small steps toward goals. 
Each day I do just one thing off of my to do list for small steps, I feel like a rock star.
Each day I get a little further into my daydreams, I feel lighter and more motivated at the same time.
We all start somewhere.