Love me

First there was Bruno Mars, with Just The Way You Are

"I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me

When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)."

I remember lying on my couch, listening to this song, crying my eyes out, thinking "if only he (my husband) felt about me this way.  As soon as I got into my counselors office, I told her about this song, and my thoughts, and also how I wished my parents loved me that way when I was younger.

Today I really listened the lyrics of John Legends All Of Me

"'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections"

Again I wished these specific lyrics applied to my relationships.

And then it came to me.
If I want my people: husband and parents, to love me in this way, then shouldn't I demand it from myself to?  Should I not show the world that this is the kind of love I deserve?

The obvious answer is YES YES YES.
The reality is, this will be hard, but now I know when I hear these songs, I can sing these lyrics to myself, for myself, just me.  I too want to love all my "perfect imperfections"

Pop Off The Page

These days I distinctly remember when as a young girl I thought 30 was so old.
These days I distinctly feel that 30 has not been good on my body.
I hope by 35 I'll feel better about this time in my life.
I know I'm in the thick of it right now, with two small children, a full time job, house payments, car payments, big vacation plans, surgeries, chasing new, not quite developed goals. 

My work days are too long.
My body has been hurting for days.
New aches almost every day.
I can barely eat anything, as I have developed some serious food intolerances, and I fight bloat all the time.  It's uncomfortable, and frustrating.

The house is such a mess, I don't know where to begin, and so I don't begin many times.

Today I will concentrate on drinking a lot of water, being present despite the headache, and taking just one small step/action as time permits.

I have thought a lot about this space, and what Pop Off The Page is about.
I want more time literally Off The Page: less computer, TV, phone; more outside, face to face time, projects, art, adventures.  Things and people that bring joy and excitement.  Have that joy and excitement inside of me, radiating it to my friends and family.

Music reads

Music...I totally love it.
(Who remembers TRL on MTV?)
I have been so thirsty for reading lately.
I read constantly, and with two small children, that really means 10 minutes here and there.  Magazines, books, the Internet.  I read and read.  It fills my soul with information, my mind with knowledge.
I want to better take care of myself, and I also want to better care of others.  That includes my own family and friends, as well as total strangers that might happen upon this blog. 

As I've mentioned before, I mostly write when inspiration strikes, which sometimes is not often.
I keep a hand written journal for things I need to figure out on my own, and trust me, SO many things, but it's OK, life is an adventure, and I think the more we get to experience, the more we try to acknowledge and take part in, the more we feel, see, believe.

I am very tempted to make a promise that I will blog here all day, every day.
I am tempted to set myself a schedule for this blog.
I am tempted to announce an e-course I've been wanting to run.

I am tempted by faith and believing that all these things can happen and be real.

The real though is that I will try my best.  I will do what I can.  Whether that is once a week, once a month, I don't know.  I am sure that the more the better (fingers crossed content will grow as I do) 
All I know is that I am looking for a tribe, I am looking for a place to blossom, I am looking to be place of soft landings for whoever needs it.

March...you have been so good.
You have gone by too fast. 
I want a do over.
I want April to be just as great.
I want May to be even better.

I will leave you with this:

"Do your job better than it has ever been done before" Pete Carroll

Inspired to write here

This has been a quiet space lately, and that's just how things go.
I know that writing more will make me better at writing, however when it comes to this blog, I usually only post when I feel called to it.

The last couple weeks have been spent in happiness, some sickness, and lots of adjustment.
My job promotion has me seeing things from a different perspective.
I'm doing lots of new things, and to be honest, I think I'm kind of a Rock Star at it.
Time will tell, and I'll remain humble, just had to share it somewhere.

As always I've been craving lots of quiet time, however I am learning to do pleasurable things, such as reading, writing, drawing, by including the kids.  I love to read, and as much as I'd prefer to read the books I want, reading to them tops it every time.

I've been a little obsessed with color pens, almost buying a set for $180.00
My husband must have been near by, because my common sense kicked in and I only spend $20.00
I'm glad I did because better pens, would not have made me a better artist.  I'm not advanced enough in this new skill.

I'm hoping to do some more clearing out from the cottage.
Apparently O played in the cottage with her friend today for about five hours. 
My husband laughed and said he was their personal assistant, bringing them food and drinks, checking in on them.  I'm glad they had fun, but I will tell you and them, that is MAMA'S spot.  I'm willing to share...I think.

No more pretending

"A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself, and only herself." Maya Angelou   I'm not there yet, but I'm no longer pretending. I have a reputation for speaking my mind. I have a reputation for being tough. Those are all a part of me, however there is more. That anchor on my neck is to ground me. It's to help me keep my feet on the ground. It stops me from pushing when that's the last thing I want/need.

Deal with the real problem

I'm becoming a firm believer that one should deal with what the actual problem is.

I have depression.

I'm dealing with my depression.

I'm not dealing with my body being overweight right now. That will come.

I'm not worrying about my house being clean right now.  That will come.

I'm not dealing with crafting, selling, keeping up.  That will come in some form or another later on in my life.

I am dealing with my depression and coping the best way I know how.

I have come such a long way, and I don't know how much I have to go.

If things remained the way they are right now, mood wise, I will be OK with that.

If maintaining my depression with medication is where I need to be at, I'm OK with that.

Avoiding my problem, filling it with something else, not staring truth in the face is not acknowledging the problem, or tending to it. 

(I don't think I like the word fix it when it comes to our bodies and minds)

By slowing down, and bearing my soul to myself just a couple days ago, I feel so much pressure has lifted, so much clarity has been shown to me, so much space for me to breath into my life.

 

 The book I'm currently reading by M.D. David D. Burns.  It's changing my mind for the better

My favorite reading nook.  My kitty decided to jump in as soon as she saw my phone on my hand.

Delete and off

I had to turn it OFF.
The notification e-mails were too much.
I thought I was following my gut when I signed up for the e-course, but I was not.  I am on a different path now.

I had to hit DELETE a couple times.
I believe in the world of blogs, the less the merrier.

I believe in listening to my gut and to my soul.